Deadly Pact
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: He couldn't tell anyone, nobody would understand that this was the difference between making it to Broadway, or staying in Lima. Nobody could ever understand that, but then she could. And she did. And now they only have each other. Rachel/Kurt friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do owe my mind though. **

**Deadly Pact **

**~ Chapter One ~ **

"Do you think I've gained weight?" Kurt looked in the mirror in front of him as his boyfriend walked into the bedroom and laughed, "Oh, Kurt... you're always perfect to me."

"So, you think I'm fat?" The younger boy frowned and stared at his boyfriend, who rolled his eyes and shook his head – these were becoming regular conversations with his boyfriend now and he never knew what to say to calm him down.

"I might start going for runs, it'll help with my performing and everything, too." Kurt finally said, breaking the silence between the two as Blaine just nodded and kissed his cheek, "I'll join you sometime." He waved goodbye to him and closed the door behind him before heading home.

Kurt was left alone in his bedroom, looking back in the mirror and sighing. He wanted to be thin, but no matter what he just kept getting fatter. After two whole months of dieting he had only lost eight pounds, and all because he just couldn't go a day without. He'd get to the evening and suddenly all this food would be placed in front of him – the joys of living with his dad and Finn. Of course, he always got rid of it afterwards but it just wasn't the same.

Sighing, he dropped to the floor quickly and lay there for a minute before doing his usual three hundred sit ups. He was determined to lose a stone before regionals. He thought about it, it wouldn't be fair if he didn't lose this excess weight before then, he wanted everything to be perfect. He could do it, he had over a month left, he had to control himself.

"Hey diva." Rachel walked into his room, Finn not too far behind her. She smiled and sat down on a chair in the corner of the room, picking up a magazine that was on top of Kurt's drawers.

"What are you doing here?" She may be his best friend, and Finn was his step-brother but whenever they were here together, it was usually a make out session in Finn's new bedroom, and not here in Kurt's. "Studying.. remember? It was your idea." Finn sighed and took his books from Rachel's bag.

"We have exams coming up soon, so no sighing, Finn." Rachel didn't look up from the magazine as she spoke, smiling to herself. Finn and Kurt looked at their books, wondering where to start before Finn looked up at his girlfriend,

"Can you put the magazine down and just grab a book? We need your help with this stuff." She nodded slightly but carried on reading the magazine, "Give me a minute."

"Don't worry about the damn magazine, we're looking at this now." Finn glared at his girlfriend who just shook her head, seemingly unaware about how much she was pissing him off. He got up, trying to grab the magazine from her but she just slapped his hand away, smiling up at him as innocently as possible.

"Since when you have read those magazines anyway? I thought you said you wouldn't read them until you were in them, one day?" Kurt stared at the girl in front of him who just shrugged,

"Well, it must be interesting, she has her concentration face on." Finn grinned as he sat back down, looking up when Rachel tutted loudly from the other side of the room, "Grow up, Finn." She muttered, causing the laughter to stop quickly,

"Me? You're the one who's sitting there refusing to study just because you're looking at some magazine."

"And your point is?" He shook his head at her, "My point is that you're obsessed."

"With what exactly?" Kurt looked between the two, knowing they had their fair share of arguments but as Rachel's usually pale face turned a dark shade of red, and slammed down the magazine, he knew Finn had hit a nerve with the diva.

"With the way people look, the way you look. The only reason you even bother looking at those magazines is so you can see who is bigger than you, and then admire those smaller than you." Kurt sighed, standing up between the two,

"Can you not fight, please?" He frowned when both of them just ignored him,

"Don't think I haven't noticed you staring at every thin person we walk past, Rachel. You've been doing it for weeks."

"No I haven't! What the hell are you talking about?" Kurt looked at his best friend, the girls face getting redder and redder by the second, not knowing if it was embarrassment of being caught, or just anger that Finn had brought it up. Either way, he didn't want to find out.

"Is this even worth having an argument over? Can we just forget it and study?" He sat back down, not really wanting to bother with this argument right now and he knew what would happen anyway – one of them would storm off and the other one would be left behind to rant about the other one.

Rachel nodded slightly, looking up at her boyfriend, "Fine." He glared at her, clearly not able to drop the subject before grabbing the books and slamming the bedroom door behind him, muttering something about girls being annoying.

"Sorry." Rachel finally whispered after a few moments of silence, sitting back down and throwing the magazine across the room. Kurt rolled his eyes, wondering how the two of them could get so annoyed over a stupid argument like that. He turned to look at Rachel, who was still red and looked as though she could burst out crying any moment, "Are you alright?" He finally asked, watching the girl turn from him to wipe her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine.." She whispered softly, "Tell me, please." Kurt walked over to her, kneeling in front of her. He watched as Rachel took a deep breath, closing her eyes tightly, "Do you... do you think I'm fat?" She murmured, Kurt could feel his heart skip a few beats, wondering if Rachel thought the same way he did, wondering if she felt the same when she looked in the mirror, or when she bent over a toilet seat. Maybe Rachel felt this.

"No.. you're nowhere near fat." He frowned and took her hand, "This isn't like you, Rach, what's brought this on?"

"S-Shelby... She has Beth now, she's completely replaced me... she doesn't want me. I don't know what I did wrong." Kurt nodded and squeezed her hand,

"You never usually let stuff like this get to you.." Rachel nodded slightly, "She's my mom.. I want her to love me. She left me and now she has a perfect family that I can never be a part of." Kurt was shocked at the pain in the girls voice, he had never seen the usually happy Rachel like this before.

"You don't have to be thin though..." Kurt almost laughed at his hypocrisy, to him, being thin was everything. It was the difference between success and failure, the difference between making it to Broadway, and staying in Lima. But he couldn't tell anyone that, they'd think he was crazy.

"You don't understand, I don't know why it got to me so much.. I just want him to love me and at the moment he doesn't. She chose Quinn's baby over me and now she has a whole new life.. a new daughter. I've been completely replaced." She quickly wiped another tear from her face and looked at her fellow diva,

"I know, but Shelby does love you... I know she does." Rachel nodded slightly, smiling as best she could but Kurt couldn't help but feel it wasn't over. But the girl stood up anyway, "Let's just get studying." Kurt nodded and sat on the bed with the girl, watching her as she studied.

He wondered what she felt and what she thinking, he wondered if she ate and then threw up, he wondered if Rachel had ever gone a day without food... maybe more. He couldn't ask though, he would just sit and wait for any signs, then he could tell her about his own struggles. Maybe they could help each other.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**Warning: This chapter could be triggering, with mentions of bulimia.**

**~ Chapter Two ~**

"**Not good enough to make me proud." **

Rachel stood behind Kurt in the lunch line, watching as he grabbed a small salad, copying his actions. She smiled at her best friend, sitting down next to him as he raised an eyebrow, "Is that all you're having?" Rachel looked down at the salad, knowing usually she had some pasta; something filling, at least.

She looked at Kurt for a moment, nodding slowly, "You're having exactly the same, so what's the big deal?" Kurt shrugged and went back to picking at his salad, there were a few moments of awkward silence while Rachel played with her food, biting down on her lip, "So... how have you lost so much weight?" She whispered, blushing slightly.

Kurt shook his head and put down his fork, "You don't want to know." He muttered, looking around the room,

"I do... that's why I asked." She frowned slightly and stared ahead at the boy, before looking back down at her salad,

"I just watch what I eat and I exercise as much as I can." He finally said, biting his lip at the tears that formed in the girl's eyes, "H-how much weight could I lose in three weeks?" She whispered, closing her eyes,

"Why three weeks?"

"Shelby asked me to go to New York with her and Beth for the weekend.. I want to as perfect as she is.. as her new family is." She looked up at her best friend, the one person she trusted more than anything, "I just want to try and make her happy.. I want her to be proud of me. Is that stupid?"

"No, it's perfectly understandable, Rachel. But Shelby loves you for who you are, diva." He laughed a little as Rachel slightly smiled, nodding a little, before muttering, "I wish."

She picked up her fork to nibble on the piece of cucumber on her plate, not noticing Kurt staring at her before he finally spoke up, deciding it best to change the subject, "Are you ready for tonight?" Rachel nodded and grinned,

"It's going to be so much fun." She giggled and looked down at the plate once more, both of them looking forward to the night ahead.

~ .. ~

"Hello, Mrs Hummel!" Rachel grinned as she walked into the house behind Kurt. Finn was watching the football with Puck and the other boys tonight, so she decided a nice night in with her best friend should be fun. "Rachel, sweetie, it's nice to see you again." She smiled at the two best friend as they collapsed onto the couch before she walked out of the room,

"So, what should we do tonight, diva?"

"Oh, I don't know diva, watch a movie?" Rachel laughed and rested a head on his shoulder, "Sure.. which one?"

She shrugged slightly, "A horror?" She looked at the DVD collection on the other side of the room, grinning when Kurt nodded and stood up to go to the kitchen, she looked at him and followed closely behind, "Should we order pizza?" He finally asked, turning to look at her,

"Um.. sure."

"Cool, I got us loads of food for tonight.." He opened the cupboard at all the popcorn and candy, gulping slightly at the thought of eating so much in one sitting. He noticed Rachel had gone eerily quiet, looking up at the girl, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah.. it's just... a lot of calories you know?"

"Yeah, but it's just the one night and we all deserve a treat every now and again.. you've lost loads of weight you never needed to." Rachel nodded and bit her lip, seeing this as an opportunity to ask once more, 

"How do you do it?" He shook his head and frowned, "I told you already."

"I know you did, but I don't think that's actually what you do.. or at least, the only things you do." He questioned her once more, asking why she would even think like that, his heart beating too fast as he looked at her,

"It's just a feeling.. how many meals do you eat?"

His heart was thumping against his chest, "Why do you even care?" He was scared that he would get stopped, even if it was only Rachel, he knew that little girl would never stop going on about this until she won.

"I just.. I do.. I care about you and.. you've lost so much weight. I hate to admit it but I guess I am a little jealous. I'm curious, also."

He sighed, irritated visibly by her, "Just do regular exercise – which you already do – and don't eat any junk." Rachel bit down on her lower lip, dropping the subject quickly, not wanting to argue tonight.

"Saw is supposed to be amazing." Kurt stared at her, confused, "What are you talking about now?"

"Do you want to see it later? Or maybe Hostel?" She shifted on her feet a little, looking at him,

"Oh, I don't mind." He shook his head, glad that the girl had gotten the hint but also a little disappointed because it was just one more person he had to lie to.

~ .. ~

Kurt turned off the movie as the credits rolled, laughing at Rachel still hidden behind the cushion, pretending like he had never done the same just before the movie had finished. "I'll be right back." He said, watching as Rachel nodded as she removed the cushion from her face, grabbing her magazine once more.

Rachel looked around the room, biting her lip, unsure what to do when a few minutes later she heard Kurt throwing up in the bathroom, she put down the magazine and got up to knock on the door, "Kurt? Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine." Kurt opened the door, grinning at her,

"Did something we ate make you sick?" He shook his head and looked down at the floor, blushing slightly,

"I just... I can't eat that much and not... get it out."

"Y-you mean..." Rachel's eyes widened and she tried her best not to cry out in shock as she looked at her best friend, all the pieces fitting together slowly,

"Don't tell anyone, please. You're my best friend and that's why I am being honest with you, I trust you. Please don't break that trust." Rachel nodded quickly, unsure what she could or should do,

"I won't... I promise, Kurt." She looked around the living room, her own hands finding their way to her stomach, feeling that bulge once more. Her hands shook, as her eyes closed, "C-can you show me how?" She whispered, barely loud enough for Kurt to hear. She looked up at him finally, half expecting him to laugh at her for being so stupid and pathetic but instead, he grabbed her hand with a wide smile on his face.

She watched him lead her back to the bathroom, before he bent over the toilet and put his fingers down his throat, "Just like this." He said, looking back up at her,

"And then.. you just... well, you move them around a little. It takes a while the first few times, but eventually..." He was so happy to be able to share this secret with someone, both of them were hurting bad and it made sense for them to help each other. "It's really easy, want a go?" Rachel nodded, slightly unsure still as she stepped forward slightly, clearly shaking.

She slowly walked to Kurt, kneeling down next to him on the floor. He smiled at her, moving some of her hair from her face, gently running his fingers through it. Rachel closed her eyes for a moment, she had to do this, she had eaten so much, she would never be perfect enough to be on stage, perfect enough for her dance teacher, for the Glee club, for Shelby. Slowly, she put her fingers down her throat, following Kurt's instructions.

He rubbed her back softly, "Do you want me to leave you alone?" She nodded slightly, and then looked down at the porcelain bowl in front of her. "I'll be right out." She muttered, watching as Kurt ran out with a huge grin on his face.

She looked down at her fingers, trying to think about when she tried this once before, but it hadn't worked. She didn't even think about it this time around. It wasn't as hard as it had been before, maybe it was because she had so much more to gain this time around.

She sighed when she felt empty, stood up slowly as her legs shook. She walked up to the sink, washing her hands and face before looking in the mirror, whispering, "Am I good enough yet?"

~ .. ~

"Are you okay?" Kurt looked up from his magazine in his lap as Rachel walked out of the bathroom. He bit down on his lip as he took in his best friends appearance – she was extremely pale, her eyes bright red, hardly steady on her feet. Rachel nodded slowly, sitting down on the chair when a sudden dizzy spell hit her.

Kurt had never hated himself more when he saw Rachel then, thinking that maybe he shouldn't have shown her. He should have know how fragile she was at the moment, and he could have only made it worse. "I'm am so sorry." He murmured, watching as Rachel's head suddenly shot up, looking at him confused,

"What for?"

"For showing you how to do that.. it was wrong and selfish of me."

"No, it's fine.. you couldn't say no, could you? I would have asked again and again... or I would have just discovered how to myself." She shrugged it off and smiled at him, "Anyways, we're empty now... and that's good, right?"

Kurt nodded, smiling, "I love this feeling. How do you feel?" Rachel nodded, grinning, the sparkle appearing in her eyes once more. "I feel... amazing. When did you learn how to do that?"

"I don't know.. about three months ago."

"Why?" He sighed, laying down on the couch as he stared up at the ceiling, thinking for a moment, "I couldn't stand the fact that I had gained weight, and you understand the pressure... you saw those perfect kids we have to compete against just so we can live our dreams. I realized, having a dream, having talent.. it's just not good enough. I just want to look like a star, but no matter how hard I try, I can never go a day without food. This is the only way that worked for me."

"Oh." That was all Rachel could say, not tearing her eyes away from the page she was reading from the magazine,

"Have you ever gone a day without food?" Kurt finally spoke up, breaking the awkward silence between them,

"Only when I've been sick, never on purpose." He nodded in agreement, sighing. "I think I could though, maybe one day I will." Rachel spoke up once more, her fingers dancing lightly along the perfect body of the girl in the magazine, constantly comparing herself to her.

"We should go to bed," Kurt finally sad, standing up slowly and stretching out,

"Sure, what time do you usually get up on a school day?" He looked at her and shrugged, unsure as to whether she would want to join him on his morning run, "Six. I go for a run, I find it refreshing."

"Oh, that sounds much better than my exercise routine, can I join?" Kurt nodded, looking at the girl in front of him, she seemed so unlike the diva he knew – she seemed shy and uncertain of herself. She wondered if this was just about Shelby or if there was so much more to this than she let on.

"Of course you can. It would be great to have someone who understands come along." He grinned and Rachel smiled back lightly, standing up. They walked up the stairs together, "Is this really about Shelby?" Rachel nodded and looked away,

"I just... I used to think that I could rise above the mediocre stuff like weight, and how I looked. But then she came along and rejected me, and then replaced me completely with this perfect baby girl. I don't know, I guess if you kind of mix that up with wanting to be a Broadway star..." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to think for a moment as they finally got upstairs and into the bedroom, "I don't know... something clicked I guess and I can't take it anymore. I want her to love me, I want to be a part of her family, I want to be perfect. I want her to look me in the eye and tell me why she couldn't be my mom. I just, I know it's stupid, but I can't help but think that if I was perfect in every single way, then she could love me." She shook her head, laughing bitterly.

Kurt watched her wipe away the tears that fell down her face before she buried her face in the pillow, "I don't think that's stupid at all, it makes sense."

"Really?" He could hear her mumble against the pillow, he smiled and nodded a little, "Yeah, I understand what you are going through and it may not be for the same reasons but we can help each other. We can lose the weight we need to and everything will be okay." He whispered to her, playing with her hair, smiling when she nodded, "What's your goal weight?"

Rachel looked up at him, confused, "Goal weight?"

He nodded, "Mine is ninety-eight pounds."

"Oh um.. I don't know. I guess the same." He nodded, playing with her hair still, "I'm so long off, how much do you weigh now?" Rachel gulped, blushing, "I um... I'm still holding some Christmas weight... one hundred and thirty two pounds." She bit down on her lip,

"I'm one hundred and thirty five."

"You're so much taller than me.." Rachel whispered, shrugging slightly when he replied with the fact he wasn't that much taller than her, "Rachel, we can do this. It's going to be easy because we have each other, and we are always going to have each other." Rachel grinned, nodding as she thought about it.

They both said their goodnight's to each other, both of them cuddling up to each other. He could swear he heard a sob from the girl, sighing and closing his eyes as he rubbed her back, thinking about her. She just wanted to be loved by her mother.

He smiled as he thought about this brand new bond they had made for themselves – it was good, neither could judge the other. Everything was going to be better now that someone knew, that someone could share this horrible secret with him. He thought about how great they would both look soon. He had such a good feeling about it all, everything had fallen into place and he would start to lose weight faster than before. Then they could both be happy... wouldn't they?

**A/N: Please review! I would like to know what people think of this story and so far, all I have are story alerts. Cyber cookie for you? :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "And even though no one is looking, she's falling apart." ~ **

For the first time in a long time, Rachel was happy to get out of bed that morning. It was as though a bolt of energy just soared through her and she ready to get up and go. She knew what she had to do to lose all the weight, she knew that this was just something she would have to do to please everyone. She knew that if she didn't, then she would always be the imperfect, fat, ugly one. She would always be the odd one. She would always be a disappointment.

She looked over at Kurt, only to see him already awake and dressed, "Morning." He grinned at her, waiting for her to get dressed. "Good morning." Rachel smiled wide and ran to the bathroom to get changed. She looked at herself in the mirror, examining the imperfections before getting ready.

They walked out the house, Rachel looking at Finn's bedroom before they left, smiling at the thought of him snoring away in there. She thought about little Beth, and how it wasn't fair that she had Rachel's mom all to herself. After all, she was Rachel's first.

"Okay?" Kurt waved a hand in front of her face when he noticed the girl had spaced out, she nodded slightly and started jogging beside him, keeping quiet as she thought about Beth and Shelby.

She held her side when they finally got back to the house, trying to catch her breath. "Come on, we should get ready for school." Kurt smiled at her and put a hand on her arm, walking inside with her slowly.

~ ..~

The next three weeks flew by, and before they knew it, it was time for Rachel to leave. "I don't want you to go." Kurt grabbed her arm and hugged her tight. "I know.. but it's just a weekend. I will phone you."

"You better do!"

"Of course, I'd never forget about you and just think... when I get back, only a few more days until prom!" She smiled and kissed Kurt on the cheek,

"It's going to be amazing, when you get back, we should weigh together." Rachel nodded in agreement and squeezed his hand before giving him one last hug before jumping into the cab her mother had supplied for her, waving to Kurt out of the window. She thought about how perfect the past few weeks had been, but how quickly they had passed. She bit down on her lip, wondering if she had lost much weight since she last spent time with Shelby.

She looked up at the airport when she got there, gulping at the thought of letting her down. But when if she had lost some, he'd be proud then, right?

Soon enough she was there, Shelby was already in New York for some work, so Rachel had to fly out there to join her. Her mother's arm's wrapped around her when she got off the plane, and into the terminal. "Wow, you lost some weight? You look great, Rachel." She offered her mother a weak smile, thanking her before she looked around, "Beth is here somewhere."

"Oh.." Was all Rachel could get out, looking down at the floor, wondering why she couldn't just come alone. Was it too much to ask? She looked up when she saw a man carrying the small girl. She offered them both a small smile, going through the introductions with her mother's new boyfriend that she had been clueless about. She wanted to go home already, she was already left out of this family. She wanted her dads.

"Now come on, I'm treating my girls to a nice meal." He grinned at the three, not noticing the distress on Rachel's face. "I um.. I'm not wearing anything suitable." She looked down at her clothes, frowning.

"It doesn't matter, it'll just be a nice family meal." Shelby smiled, rubbing the girls arm as they walked out of the airport.

~ .. ~

She barely contributed to the conversation at the table, trying to ignore the two adults fussing over the toddler as she stared down at her salad, yet to touch any of it. "Are you going to eat that?" Shelby asked, watching as Rachel shrugged and wrinkled her nose,

"I ate loads on the plane."

"Are you sure?" The woman raised her eyebrows at her daughter, looking from Rachel to the small salad she had ordered,

"Yes I'm sure. I'm sixteen, not four years old. I know when I'm full up and when I'm not." She snapped, "Can you take this please?" She asked the waiter, ignoring the look from everyone at the table and the waiter as he took it away. She watched her mother's boyfriend – Frank – make eye contact with Shelby who shook her head, biting down on her lip.

Rachel sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm just so tired." She fake yawned to prove a point, glad when everyone cheered up once more. She sighed when they all started to talk, watching them all eat without caring. She counted every single calorie they put in their mouths, they were consuming hundreds of unneeded calories, and they never cared.

She bit down on her lip, looking down at her legs as she fought the urge to grab a breadstick or something right then. She just wanted to talk to Kurt so they could laugh at her family. "Are we all ready to go?" Frank finally asked, causing Rachel to quickly stand up. "Can I use your phone at the house?" Shelby nodded, "You want to phone your dads?"

She shook her head, "No, my best friend and Finn, just to let them know I'm okay. Dad and daddy are on a business trip." She smiled and started to walk ahead of them, her eyes focusing ahead as she avoided all thoughts about food and eating as much as she could get her hands on.

_Keep your back straight, walk quick, small steps; it'll all burn more calories. _

_Remember everything you have learned from Kurt and all those sites. _

_You need to be thin, Rachel. _

_You have to be perfect, Rachel._

_Otherwise, they will never love you. No one will ever love you. _

_They will never accept you. _

~ .. ~

"I missed you!" Kurt screamed, looking at the girl before hugging her tightly. She had stayed in New York for the week instead of the weekend, as her dads had to stay away longer. "You've lost weight."

Rachel just nodded, smiling, "I managed to stick to the diet when I was there. How are you? You've lost some, too."

"Only a little though, I weighed this morning – four pounds down." 

"Wow, that's really good, Kurt." She smiled at him, her arm in his as they walked through the corridors in school.

"What about you?" She looked down at the floor, seemingly missing the question,

"What?" She finally asked, sounding distant as she carried on walking,

"How much weight have you lost?" Kurt looked at the girl, waiting for an answer,

"Oh, since I left? Six pounds." She smiled slightly at his praise, sitting down in the choir room before looking up at him, sighing softly. He sat next to her, putting a hand on her lower back, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing.. just.. I don't know.. I don't feel too good. I'm just.. so tired, and sick all the time and I don't know. I'll be alright, it's just been a long week." Kurt nodded and put his arm around her shoulders,

"How was little miss perfect?" He decided to change the subject a little, holding her close to him as she laughed sadly, "Just that.. perfect." She heaved a deep sigh and closed her eyes, "Shelby loves her more than she ever could love me. She does everything right... Beth is her entire world and I'm just the daughter she had sixteen years ago." She looked down at the floor, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink as she spoke. Kurt bit down on his lower lip for a while, he had no idea how vulnerable Rachel really was, she was so strong usually, so happy. Rachel would always try to make others smile, she made him laugh so much. He finally shook his head, taking his best friend's hand in his, squeezing it gently.

"It will be okay in the end, everything will work out for you and your mom. She does love you Rachel, I wish you could see that." Rachel sighed and stood up, leaving Kurt there to wonder how to cheer the girl up. Nothing would work though, he knew that much, but there had to be a way to make her see that Shelby loved her. He bit down on his lip, not knowing what to do, deciding to let it go for now when Rachel smiled at him.

"Look what I have." He finally spoke up, digging through his bag until he found the two bags, handing one to Rachel who just looked at the bag, "What's this?"

"Food, silly." Kurt rolled his eyes and patted Rachel on the head, laughing. Rachel just nodded and stared at the food, obviously confused.

"I found it on a website, people have lots loads of weight by just eating two plain crackers and a carrot for lunch." Rachel just nodded, placing the bag in her own, shrugging slightly.

Kurt frowned, he thought she would have been happy, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing I just..." She sighed, taking a deep breath, "I um.. I just don't like carrots." Kurt was relieved, he thought he had lost Rachel then, that she would go tell on him and tell Blaine why he had been losing so much weight. He was scared for a second.

"I don't like crackers but anything to be a star."

"Anything to be perfect." Rachel whispered, looking up when the Glee kids came walking into the choir room for rehearsal. They both smiled at each other, staying silent for the rest of the meeting.

Kurt bit down on his lower lip as he thought about prom next week, he wondered how much weight he could lose until then. He wanted to look perfect next to Blaine, he wanted people to think he looked amazing. He sighed, trying to concentrate on what people were saying around him but all he could think about was weight, calories and that damn prom.

Kurt had to ignore the looks from his fellow Gleeks as he sat down to eat his lunch, without going to get the food like he usually did. He pulled out the bag and looked at it. "Helloooooo!" Rachel ran up behind him and sat next to him, a large grin on her face.

"Someone is happy." Kurt laughed and nudged her playfully,

"Finn and I just spent some time together." He smiled at nodded, happy for the girl and his step-brother. He watched her take out the bag that Kurt had brought for her earlier, not realizing everyone else sitting down and staring at the two as they ate their meals. Kurt watched his friends eat and then looked at Rachel who was avoiding any eye contact with anyone, neatly setting out everything in front of her as she nibbled on the carrot.

"Is that all you two are eating?" Mercedes finally asked, looking at the two diva's. Kurt smiled and nodded, "Yeah well.. prom next week. Then nationals!" He noticed Rachel hadn't even looked up from her food, as he spoke to their friends.

"But neither of you have any weight to lose.." Puck said quietly, frowning, causing Rachel to look up at them as she shook her head,

"It's our bodies." She glared at him, looking back down when he completely ignored the comment. Kurt smiled, grabbing his food and water, glad when Rachel did the same – only on the way out of there, Rachel chucked her food in the bin, something that didn't go unnoticed by the Glee kids and Finn.

Kurt took a deep breath and looked behind him for a moment, unaware that Rachel had just chucked away the lunch he had prepared for them. "Did you see what they were all eating?" Rachel giggled,

"At least eight hundred calories in that one meal. I dread to think how many they have in a day." Kurt laughed loudly, walking into the choir room.

"You know something?" Rachel suddenly said,

"What?" 

"I don't even feel hungry anymore, it's like... all the pain I was feeling from the hunger before has just gone. It feels amazing." She grinned at the boy and sat down in her usual seat, looking through her Glee notes.

"Yeah.." Kurt murmured, not wanting to admit that his hunger had never gone away, he didn't want her to know that the reason she was losing weight quicker than him was because he couldn't help himself at night. He would eat and eat and then throw it all back up, but Rachel was different, she could go a whole day without touching anything. It was just a thing he resented about her, how she could go for days without food and he just... he couldn't.

"That's the bell. I'll meet you in class?" Rachel grabbed her bag and ran out of the door, quickly going to meet Finn before class started. Kurt stayed behind for a while before running to the bathroom, _'Rachel may be able to hardly eat but at least I can do this when I do eat something.' _He thought to himself, smiling when he was done and then walking out with his head held high, it always made him feel good.

He grinned at Rachel when he saw her walking into the classroom but the girl just glared and shook her head at him, "Really? Here?" She whispered harshly,

"How would you know?" He stared down at his desk, biting his lip,

"You always have that... that look on your face." Rachel sighed, slamming her books down on her own desk before sitting down, "Be very careful, Kurt, you don't want to get caught and I don't even know why you chose to purge that. You said yourself there were hardly any calories, unless you lied to me..." Kurt looked around, glad nobody else had arrived yet as he shook his head, noticing how upset Rachel was at him.

"Are you angry with me?" He asked, not really wanting to know the answer,

"No, I'm confused."

"I don't know why, you hardly touched yours. We both have different ways of dealing with the same thing. We'll just have to accept that, okay?" Rachel nodded, tears glazing her eyes as she looked down at her feet. "Are you going for a swim tonight?" She whispered when people walked in, after a few moments of awkward silence between the two best friends.

Kurt nodded, knowing Finn and Blaine would be there, but it was still a chance to burn calories. He grinned when Rachel finally smiled, both of them knowing they had a real friend and they would just have to deal with the jealousy that the other could do something they couldn't. Their friendship would survive it all, it would be okay.

~ .. ~

"Ready?" Rachel ran into Kurt's bedroom and sighed as Kurt laughed,

"I don't know why you're so nervous."

"Bikini... stomach... fat... gross." She took deep breaths, looking in the mirror as she wrinkled her nose in disgust. Kurt shook his head, coming up behind her. "I can see your ribs." He pointed out, smiling at the girl.

"Really?" Rachel looked back in the mirror, grabbing at the flesh on her stomach, "I just want to chop it all off." Kurt laughed, going to the mirror to do the same.

"Finn's going to see how fat I am..." Rachel whispered, tears falling down her face as she carried on looking in the mirror. Kurt frowned and shook his head when Rachel looked away from the mirror quickly, not even able to look at herself for much longer.

"Do you want to weigh now or after?"

"May as well get it done with." They both nodded, walking to the bathroom together. "You go first." Rachel looked at her friend, and then back down at the scales as Kurt stood on them slowly.

"One hundred and twenty six!" Kurt squealed, jumping up and down once he stepped off the scales,

"That's amazing.. ten pounds in one month." Rachel smiled, an obvious hint of jealousy in her voice – something Kurt found best to ignore. Rachel bit down on her lip when she stepped on the scales, "One hundred and thirty two when we started." She whispered, mostly to herself, closing her eyes. Kurt looked down at the scales, scowling before putting on a smile for Rachel when she finally opened her eyes.

"One hundred and eighteen pounds." She muttered, "A stone?" She looked at Kurt who nodded and wrapped his arms tight around her. He expected her to be as happy as he was but instead she put on her shoes and walked out of the bathroom.

"We should get going, we're supposed to be there soon." Kurt grabbed a jacket before walking out the door,

"Why are you taking that?" Rachel called out from behind him, "It's going to be late when we get back, Rach, it'll be cold."

"Oh.. sorry.. I'm so stupid." She frowned, looking around the room for her own jacket. He shook his head at her and walked downstairs next to each other. "Carole? Dad?" He shouted at the bottom of the stairs, as Rachel kept walking to the door, waiting for him.

"We're going swimming for a while, dad, but can Rachel sleep over tonight?" Burt nodded and looked over at the girl,

"Kurt, she's getting awfully skinny lately, is she eating okay?" He nodded, trying to hold back his anger.. how could he notice that Rachel has lost weight but not his own son?

"She's fine, we eat together at lunch, we spend most of our time together... I'd notice that." His dad nodded and patted Kurt's back, "You've lost some, too, are you okay?"

"Yes, we're both fine. No junk food in preparation for NYADA."

"Okay," Burt laughed, "Want anything to eat when you get back?" Rachel had slowly crept up a little closer to them, clearly getting impatient,

"We're having dinner with Finn and Blaine, Mr Hummel." She smiled as best as she could as the man nodded, bidding them both goodbye before they walked out of the house.

Kurt linked arms with Rachel, smiling wide, "He thinks I've lost weight." Rachel nodded and raised an eyebrow, "Probably because you have." She murmured sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah.. but someone actually noticed." Kurt sighed, repeating it in his head over and over again. Someone had noticed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "Mirror, I am seeing a new reflection." ~ **

It would finally be the prom she longed for this year, and it was tonight. Kurt and Rachel were too excited, it was the one event they had been waiting for, a good chance to dress up, have some fun and show off their other halves.

She looked in the mirror; this was going to be the one night she wouldn't let herself worry about weight or calories. She smiled a little in the mirror, they had school all day but they had been too excited to get anything done.

"Hey!" Kurt grinned, chucking over a cold bottle of water to Rachel before looking in her own mirror. "Looking forward to tonight?" Rachel nodded at him,

"Do you think we reached our target?" She bit down on her lip, wishing she didn't care at all.

"You sure look like you have, maybe more." Kurt replied, looking at his outfit in the mirror – it was similar to his junior prom outfit, when he had been voted prom queen, but he opted for something that could show off his recent weight loss. "Have you eaten today?" He asked, breaking the silence, not tearing his eyes from the mirror.

"No.. I um, I thought maybe there'd be loads of food tonight, I had to prepare myself." Rachel muttered, sitting down for a minute as she closed her eyes, trying to focus on something other than the dizziness.

"Yeah, true." Rachel got back up when Kurt walked out to go to the bathroom, pinching whatever fat she could find on her body, "What are you doing?" Kurt walked back in, staring at the girl,

"Do I look fat?" She turned to face him, away from the mirror,

"No! You've never looked fat." She just nodded slightly, looking back in the mirror, heaving a deep sigh; huge thighs, fat stomach, double chin and chubby cheeks. It was all she could see, people would look at her and say it wasn't true but it was what she saw, and that was the only truth she could trust, right? After all, the mirror never lies.

"We should start getting ready." She finally spoke up, looking behind her at the boy on his bed,

"We should go for our run first, it'll be too late when we get back." Kurt smiled at her, putting on his trainers, chucking Rachel's pair at her. She laughed and put them on, "We don't have long, come on."

~ .. ~

"Quick weigh in and then we can get ready." Kurt grinned as they walked into his bedroom after the run. He followed Rachel into his bathroom, watching her sigh before stepping onto the scales,

"One hundred and eighteen last time, right?" She muttered, blushing slightly. Kurt nodded, looking away from the scales, "Have you done it?" He knew the weight on those scales would effect the whole night if it wasn't good.

"One hundred and fourteen.. bang on target." Rachel murmured, seemingly annoyed with herself – she had hoped for less. "Your turn." She tried her best to smile at Kurt when he stopped on, "I have to get to one hundred and twenty four." He announced, closing his eyes, "You look for me."

"W-what?" Rachel gulped, not knowing what to do if Kurt hadn't made it.

"Please, Rachel, I don't know what I would do if I haven't made it." He sounded like he would cry, so Rachel nodded and looked down,

"One hundred and twenty three, you made it!" She smiled and wrapped her arms around him, he nodded, announcing that they should get ready now, running out of the bathroom.

~ .. ~

"The three of you look amazing!" Carole smiled wide, looking at the girl and her two son's. Rachel was wearing an elegant, long black dress, looking down at the ground, smiling shyly.

Rachel squeezed Finn's hand as they walked down the stairs, staying close to him. She let go of his hand to walk over to the mirror, putting her earrings in, going over what was wrong with her body in her head as she stared at her reflection.

Mercedes and Tina walked in from the kitchen, making eye contact with Finn briefly as he nodded. "You look beautiful, both of you." The larger girl smiled at her two friends, before her eyes set on Rachel who was still looking into the mirror with tears in her eyes.

"You're both getting really thin though." Tina sighed, staring at the backless dress Rachel was wearing sadly.

"You can never be too thin, my darling." Kurt replied in her fake – and bad – French accent, making Rachel laugh as she shook her head, "We're fine." She tried to smile, her eyes still not leaving her reflection.

"We can see your shoulder blades." Mercedes bit down on her lip, Finn had talked with her about Kurt and Rachel's weight loss, he wanted them to make sure the two were okay – and by the looks of things, they weren't. Rachel didn't answer her, adjusting her necklace as her hands shook a little.

She finally turned around, facing everyone, "We're both fine. Thank you for your concern." She looked over at her best friend for some support,

"Yeah.. we eat loads."

"Yeah, of course you do." Mercedes muttered sarcastically, ignoring the eye roll she received from Rachel.

"Come on, I want a group photograph." The Glee club got in with their respective partners, smiling. "All together now." Kurt smiled, in the middle with his arms around Rachel's and Blaine's waists as Rachel leaned against Finn. He noticed how quickly she moved away from the pose once the flash went off, her arms wrapping tight around Finn's neck.

The boy smiled, kissing her on the nose, "You look amazing." He handed her a small red rose, before kissing her softly on the lips. "You look very handsome." She giggled, blushing a little as she noticed his parents watching them.

She tried to stay out of the many photographs that followed, wondering if they would be just as proud of Kurt if they knew what he did. Would they still love him? She wondered what they would do, what Kurt would do, if she told them. She would probably get the blame, even though his bulimia started way before Rachel even knew about it. She sighed one last time as she looked into the mirror, before taking off with her boyfriend and best friends into the large limo outside. Tonight was going to be perfect.

~ .. ~

Rachel looked around at everyone eating and sighed, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to ignore the stomach pains. "Are you going to eat?" Kurt ran over to her from the dance floor, and Rachel looked down at the food on the table,

"Nothing I like here, what about you?"

"I might have something and then go purge." He whispered to her as the girl just nodded. He grinned and laughed when Blaine pulled him back into the dance floor, Rachel just stood there and bit down on her lip as she watched them dance.

"What took you so long?" She asked Finn when he finally walked back over to her, that beautiful, goofy grin on his face. "I grabbed some food on my way back from the little men's room." He held up two plates and grabbed her hand to drag her to a table. She could feel her body starting to shake, she couldn't eat all that disgusting, fatty food. She thought she would have been able to but she couldn't.

They both sat down on the table for the Glee kids and she smiled at him when he placed the plate down in front of her, looking down at his girlfriend. It was like he was challenging her to eat and she wasn't going to accept the challenge – she didn't even care anymore if she was caught.

"Aren't you going to eat anything?" She shook her head,

"Kurt and I are going to order pizza tonight."

"Yeah, of course you are." He muttered sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "I'm sure you can manage to eat something before then."

"I would really rather save myself for the pizza." She bit down on her lip, knowing she was being stupid because Finn lived with Kurt, he would know if they ordered pizza or not.

"No! Just eat the damn food." She looked at him, "Why do I have to?" She whispered, biting her lip when he grabbed her hand from across the table.

"I have to know that you're okay, Rachel. I have to know that you eat."

"I do.. all the time." He shook his head, squeezing her hand gently, "I've not seen you eat in so long. Nothing.. not even a bit of salad."

"I'm not around you all the time."

"I will make sure I am if you want, just so I know you're okay." He pushed the plate closer to her as she shook her head, pushing it back towards him, tears falling down her face. "What's wrong, baby?" He quickly got up, wrapping his arms tights around the now shaking girl.

She whispered, holding onto him, "I just don't feel too good."

"That's a lie, you just don't want to eat. Just tell me why, Rachel, please." She could tell he was going to cry, she hated that she did this to him.

"I just.. I don't want to get fat again." She pleaded he would drop it, sighing as she said those dreaded words, letting him into her world. Finn was never supposed to know how she really felt, now she had broken the control. She just told the one person that she never wanted to know, and now he wasn't going to love her anymore when he realized what a fat cow she really was.

"You're not fat, you never have been." He lifted her chin up, kissing her softly on the lips, "I love you." She nodded slightly and sniffed, wiping her eyes, "Just eat something, Rachel."

She picked up a sandwich, nibbling on it slowly, smiling a little when he sat back down and tucked into his own food. She stood up when she was finally done and kissed his head, "I have to pee and re-apply my make-up, will you wait here for me? Then we can dance." He grinned and carried on eating, not watching her run to the toilets.

She had to get everything out, she had to do it before all the calories stayed inside her. Crying, she ran into the bathroom and locked herself in a cubicle. She sighed when she heard someone else being sick in the cubicle next to hers, before ramming her own fingers a little too roughly down her throat.

"Rachel?" She heard after a while, she was done by then and was sitting on the closed toilet seat, staring into space.

"Kurt?" She heard a big sigh and then a sob,

"I'm such a failure, Rach." She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes tight, "No.. you got it all out, right? It'll be okay."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have eaten it in the first place." He muttered, leaning his head against the cubicle, Rachel doing the same not too long after. "I had something as well..." She whispered, trying to stop the tears down her face.

"I saw, but Finn forced you to. Blaine never forced me to eat, I just chose to do so." He sighed and Rachel shook her head, getting up and opening the door. She smiled lightly at Kurt when he did the same, both of them washing their hands and faces before re-applying make-up. "We'll be fine, let's just go dance."

"Burn some of those calories." Kurt grinned, laughing as they both walked out of the bathroom.

_**Burning **calories, _

_**Starving **yourself,_

_Making yourself **throw up. **_

_It's all part of the package, _

_you just have to **accept **it. _

_You can't have it all without a little effort..._

~ .. ~

Kurt didn't know when it had become a competition between himself and Rachel. If he had to guess, he would say sometime after prom night, before then it was just a diet to Rachel for some quick weight loss but then something had taken over the girl, and she just had to be thinner. And Kurt needed someone to talk to, someone to help him get thinner, he needed Rachel.

It was hard to explain for him, but he needed Rachel because she was always his competition. And Rachel took it just as seriously as Kurt did. He knew the girl would win – she always did. Rachel could go without food, the one who would exercise non-stop, even before she started dieting. Rachel was always about control.

Kurt was the one who couldn't go one day without any food but who also could not go one day without purging after every single bit of food but he was still behind on the race that had begun.

The two were so similar in so many ways, but so different at the same time. Different diseases, but so similar in every single way. It was hard to explain to anyone else but they both had an Eating Disorder that was just as bad at the other, but the impact was too different. Rachel lost weight quicker, she got ill before Kurt did, Rachel ended up being caught before Kurt did.

Bulimia was different from Anorexia; Rachel wanted perfection, Kurt longed for the control he had always wanted. He would lose all the control he had made for himself all day by stuffing his face in the night, and the only way he could regain that control was by purging.

He looked over at Rachel, they were all supposed to be wearing shorts for a number in Glee but as usual, she had refused to wear anything that exposed her in any way at all. And only Kurt knew why – Rachel didn't want anyone to know how fat she was, but Kurt could see how the girl would fade away every time he saw her.

He stares at her legs as they walk to the stage, wondering what they look like under those baggy layers. He smiles at the girl he was so close to, yet so far apart from at the same time. Rachel just nods and looks at what he's wearing. He bites his lip for a moment, knowing that Rachel is thinking how he shouldn't be wearing shorts, he's too fat for them. "What?" He tries to sound casual but he knows it didn't come across that way.

"Nothing... I-I.. you.. you lost weight." She shrugs and goes to walk off, before Kurt grabs her arm, "You too." He smiles at her before she looks down at the ground, sighing,

"Do you wanna come for a run tonight?" He nods, linking arms with her as they walked with the rest of the Glee kids. He let go when they had to get in their positions for the song, the music starting.

He found himself watching Rachel as she sang, that passion and the sparkle that used to be in her eyes, now completely gone. He found himself wondering if all this was his fault, if he was the one to blame for this new Rachel that nobody liked. He introduced her to this world. He sighed and moved with the rest of the group, remembering dance practise the other day.

He had asked Rachel to take it easy, but the girl had just ignored him, he didn't want her pushing her starving body too far but he had ended up pushing her further away from him. "You won't care about being perfect if you're dead." He knew he was right, he couldn't help himself staring at her right now as she danced. He knew her weak lungs couldn't take the pressure if she hadn't eaten for as long as he thought.

The girl had just glared at him, moving away from him, just leaving him standing there. And now here he was, watching the girl dance amazingly well, to the standards of Brittany and Mike but he was watching her get weaker and weaker.

Finally the song ended and he ran up to her, a hand on her lower back, "Are you okay?" Rachel tried her best to nod, tears falling down her face as she tries to catch her breath. He looks up at Mr Shue for a moment, crying out when Rachel falls to the ground. He was pushed out the way as Mr Shue ran towards the unconscious girl.

He stepped back, shaking his head, blaming himself for this whole thing. He watched everyone run over, screaming his best friends name. He didn't look away from the tiny, pale girl who was laying on the floor. He saw how badly she was shaking as they wrapped a blanket around her. He didn't know what to say or do, his best friend was being taken away into the back of an ambulance, and he was the only one who truly knew why. But he couldn't tell them, he promised.

Finn turned to Kurt, "What happened?" He looked at the boy as though he blamed her for all this, but he just shrugged.

"Don't you dare shrug at me. I know you know something, tell me!" He glared at her, watching his girlfriend be taken away by paramedics. Kurt could feel the boys hands on his shoulders as he shook her, and he turned to look at his step-brother.

"I told her to slow down." It was all he could say to the broken boy in front of him, wrapping his arms around himself. Finn shook his head, following the paramedics out quickly.

"She's going to be okay." Santana was the first to speak, trying to reassure herself and those around him. Kurt just nodded, biting his lip,

"W-we need to get there.." He whispered, "I-I need to know she's okay. I need to see her." He looked around before running up to his bag and grabbing his phone, "Dad, I need you to pick me up right now, please."

"Why? What's wrong?" He could hear the man pick up his keys in the background and he sighed in relief,

"Rachel has been taken into hospital, Finn went with her and I need to go see her, dad.. please." He heard him whisper to someone in the background before coming back on the phone, "I'll be there now." He hung up the phone, leaving Kurt to wait for him outside.

"What's going on?" Mercedes asked, coming up behind him.

"Nothing is going on."

Tina bit down on her lip, looking towards the boy, "Does Rachel eat?"

"Yes, all the bloody time." He hissed at the girl, he couldn't stand any of this, people were going to blame him if anything happened, it was all his fault.

"She's lost so much weight, we're worried about her." Blaine rubbed his boyfriends back,

"So, you've all been bitching about her behind her back?"

"No! What is wrong with you? She's our best friend as well, and we're worried.. we're worried about the both of you." Kurt let the tears fall down his face as he looked at his boyfriend, reassuring him once more that they were fine, but even he knew that the words fell on deaf ears. They all knew he was lying.

"Rachel is laying in a hospital bed right now, so whatever pact the two of you have going on, it needs to stop!" Santana surprised them all, tears streaming down her face as she screamed at Kurt – she may have made fun of Rachel, but she never wanted to see the girl sick.

"You need to sort this out, and soon. See you at the hospital." They all ran off to their cars, shaking their heads at the boy who was hurting just as much as Rachel. Kurt was left alone as he looked around, he needed to know Rachel would be okay, she was his best friend, the one person who knew everything about him.

He needed to know the girl would be okay. Kurt needed Rachel more than Rachel needed him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

"**It's sad when the people you know become the people you knew." **

Kurt ran towards the small room the nurses had pointed him towards, stopping to look through the window at the small girl laying on the bed. She was his best friend but he didn't recognise her. He looked at the three people in the girls room; Finn, and her two dad's. They were talking to each other, none of them knowing for sure what was going on with the girl they loved more than anything. But Kurt, he knew everything, and he couldn't say anything because Rachel would hate him.

He slowly opens the door, looking at Finn, "I'm going to get some of her stuff." Leroy whispered, taking his husbands hand and walking out with him. Finn grabbed Rachel's now free hand and sniffed. Kurt noticed how fragile his best friend looked in the hospital bed, a tube running from her arm as he walked closer to her.

"W-What's this for?" He whispered, touching it lightly,

"She needs to get some nutrients back into her body." He looked down and gently brushed some hair from her face, giving the sleeping girl a weak smile. Kurt could tell how much his step-brother loved her, but he knew that their relationship couldn't take much more of this – even Rachel knew that; she had mentioned it to Kurt so many times.

"I should have known." Finn muttered, ignoring the confusion on Kurt's face as the boy shook his head, "Don't you think I noticed the weight loss?"

"She was on a diet before prom but then.. she told me it stopped." He lied, he knew that Rachel would never want Finn to know the truth. He had to protect her, she was his best friend.

"Why is she here, then? Why is the laying in a hospital bed?"

"She must have forgotten to drink before we did the dance.." Kurt stared down at the floor, feeling guilty at the massive lie that just seemed to keep pouring from his mouth.

"Would you tell me if something was wrong?"

"You know she's always over ours, if not for me, then for you. I would notice." Finn nodded slightly, looking back down at Rachel, kissing her gently on the cheek.

"I have to go do some things, I will be back soon." Kurt nodded, glad to have Rachel to himself for a little while. Even when she was asleep, he could talk to her, just so the girl knew someone was still here. He watched the boy go before sitting down and taking her hand,

"I wasn't sure if you wanted him or anyone else to know. I didn't know what else to say to him, I didn't know what to do." He looks at her, almost waiting for her to say something back.

Kurt jumps when the door opens, and he sees his dad and Carole step through the door; "What happened?" She whispers at him, looking at the girl she had grown so attached to through her being Finn's girlfriend and Kurt's best friend.

"Dehydration." He bites his lip, looking at her for a moment,

"She's going to be okay, though, right?" She offers him a weak smile, as Kurt nods and looks back down at Rachel, wondering what was going through her mind when she had put everything she could into that vigorous dance rehearsal. He lets another tear fall down his face, and onto the bed,

"I told her to slow down, I tried to tell her to take it easy.." He whispers, feeling his dad's hand on his shoulder after a second, "It's not your fault, you didn't know this would happen." Kurt nods slightly, knowing he did know, he did predict this would happen.

He watches them walk out after they ask if he wants them to wait for him, shaking his head. He looks back at Rachel, "Why, diva?" He whispers, more tears falling down his face before looking away from her. He stood up quickly, walking to the other side of the room,

"I should have known this would happen, I should have stopped you." He moves to pace back and forth, continuing his ramble of self-blame.

"Kurt?" He jumps when he hears a groan coming from the other side of the room, not taking a moment to run over to her and wrap his arms around the tiny girl, crying, "I was so worried."

She shakes her head, pulling away, "I'm fine."

"You're in hospital.." He stared at her, shocked that she was still so adamant in being okay, that she wasn't sick.

She rolled her eyes, "I took it to far, sorry." The spite in her voice caused the fellow diva to take a small step back, wondering if she blamed him.

"Whatever, I tried to stop you but you can never listen, can you? You always think you know what's right, and what is best, you always want to be better than me!" He sighs, turning away from her, so annoyed, hating himself for letting her get to him. He quickly turns around when he hears a sob, "Rach... I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Quinn looks from the doorway, some of the Glee club not too far behind her as they slowly walk into the room, over to Rachel's bed,

"He was just angry.." Rachel whispers weakly, turning red as she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes,

"Why are you crying?" Puck frowns and takes a seat next to her bed, his frown deepening as she shrugged, "Tired." Kurt looked at her before looking at the floor. He thought about how he didn't fit in with her real friends, Rachel had starved herself and he was the only one who knew.

"What's in the tube?" Puck looked at, and then at Rachel,

"Water, sugar.." Quinn knew from experience, people could tell, as she just stared at the girl, noticing how much paler she seemed to get, "S-sugar?" Kurt knew what she was thinking, and he shook his head, knowing that Rachel couldn't afford to get caught, not now.

Puck raises an eyebrow, stepping forward as Rachel took deep breaths, trying to calm herself down, "I want it out.. it hurts, please." The girl whimpers, a tear running down her face before she could stop them.

Puck rolled his eyes, sitting back, "There's not that many calories in sugar.. right.." He frowned and softened a little, taking her hand, "We love you so much, all of us do, even Santana... you don't have to worry about stuff like that." She shook her head in denial, "It hurts.."

"I'm sure it doesn't, stop making excuses." Mercedes speaks up for the first time she entered the room, Kurt could tell they all had a feeling about what was going on, but none of them knew for sure.

"I need it out of me.. I need it out right now. Help me please, help me take it out. I can't stand it in me." Kurt's eyes widened, looking from her to all his friends, not knowing what to say or do right then. "I'm so tired.." Rachel finally said, breaking the stunned silence, leaning back and closing her eyes. They all nodded, knowing she was asking them all to leave in her own way.

"I'll be back tomorrow." Kurt took Mercedes' hand and walked out with all of them, bumping into Finn, "She wants to be on her own, dude." Puck put a hand on the boys shoulder who just pushed him away,

"I need to say goodnight."

~ .. ~

"How is she?" Burt asks when Kurt walks into the house; he was worried, about Rachel, about Finn and about his son.

"She's going to be fine." He nodded and frowned a little,

"Look, son, I don't know what is going on between the two of you, but you both need to stop." He placed a plate of food in front of Kurt and sighed, "One of you has ended up in the hospital, it's time to stop."

"Nothing is going on... Rachel explained everything to the Doctor right in front of me." He remembered when the Doctor had walked in not too long after her dads left, thinking about how good she had gotten at lying when he asked about her eating patterns. The lies just poured out and if he didn't know, he would have fallen for them.

"She told them that she went for a run this morning with me because we're both trying to get healthy before we go to New York and start our oh-so-amazing careers on Broadway. She didn't take a drink then, she just forgot too for the first time and then the dance was just too much for her body without any water." He shrugged and looked down at the food in front of him, "It was just an accident."

He nodded, seemingly believing him, "Eat."

"She's going to be okay, she's coming over tomorrow so we can exercise." He noticed the pure shock on the older man's face as he sat down across from his son,

"You're going to let her?"

"Well... she asked to and I said only if she is up to it." He looked down at his food again, slowly eating. He looked back up at his dad, knowing the man had no idea what his son did everytime after he ate, he thought he was fine.

"Done!" I grinned at him, grabbing a banana from the side before kissing him on the cheek and running upstairs. He smiled to himself as he got to his room, loving the control of nobody knowing what he was doing.

He closed and locked the bathroom door and looked around, quickly guzzling down some water before running to the toilet. He ran the shower, before doing the usual, trying to make out like he was just washing.

When he was done, he looked at himself in the mirror, grimacing at his reflection. He had puffy, red cheeks and eyes, his face completely pale. He shrugged though, "At least I'll be thin." He whispers to himself, washing his face before walking out of the bathroom.

~ .. ~

Kurt grinned when he opened the door, jumping on Rachel, "You got out!" She laughed and nodded, smiling wide when he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the house. "Do you feel okay?"

"I feel great." She waved at his parents and smiled shyly, embarrassed because she knew they knew what happened last night. "Do you two want anything to eat?" Carole called before they could go upstairs,

"I just ate at the hospital, maybe later, thank you." She smiled politely,

"Oh, really.. what did you have?" Burt raised an eyebrow, looking at the girl, who didn't miss a beat,

"OJ, toast and an apple." The man smiled and then met his wife's eyes as Rachel looked over at Kurt, who just shrugged slightly before running off upstairs with Rachel.

"So, how are you really feeling?" Kurt walked to his room, towards the small gym he had set up after saving up as much money as he could. Rachel shrugged, blushing slightly, "Stupid?"

Kurt smiled, and jumped on the bike, "Do you really think I want to be better than you?" Rachel bit her lip and looked at her best friend when he shook his head,

"No.. I never meant it.. I just.. I'm a little jealous, I guess.. I wish I could fast and I just can't."

"It's really not that fun you know, sometimes I want to be able to eat without the guilt, but I feel so disgusting when I do. I want it to be how it always used to, but it won't happen." She sighed, taking a sip of the water she held in her hand,

"Are you saying I have it easy?" Kurt glared at her, pedalling faster on the bike,

"No.. I didn't... I know you don't..."

"Relax, I was just messing." Rachel smiled a little, looking down at the treadmill before jumping on it, running as fast as she could. "Didn't you learn from yesterday?" Kurt shouted over the noise, rolling his eyes.

She held up the bottle of water, "I didn't have this yesterday." She said, as she grinned, "Water is pure... just like us." She laughed, and looked at him,

"You are what you eat.."

"... so I will eat nothing." Rachel finished off for him, both of them smiling wide.

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Kurt stared at the calories going up on the machine, smiling to himself,

"Hunger hurts but starving works." He felt his heart skip a beat at that, he was so jealous, he hated being jealous of something so... destructive.

"Everytime you say no to food, you say yes to thin!" He said happily, grinning at her,

"Um.. it's not deprivation, it's liberation." He nodded in approval, watching her, "An imperfect body, reflects an imperfect person." He noticed the way she flinched at that one, one of her hands finding their way to her stomach as she carried on running.

"Happy or sad, rich or poor.. it's always better to be thin." She whispered, closing her eyes tight,

"Act as though it is impossible to fail."

"Bones are beautiful, so let them show.."

"The difference between wand and need is self control." Rachel smiled and stopped the machine after a while, taking a gulp of the water, stepping off the machine slowly.

"It's going to be okay, isn't it, Rachel?" Rachel looked at him and smiled as best as she could, nodding slightly, "I hope so."

~ .. ~

They walked into his bathroom when they were done, laughing with each other, before they got to the scales. Kurt looked at the girl, wondering how light she would be this time, how much more thinner she would be than him now, "One hundred and eight." The girl whispered, shaking her head,

"Wow.. that's... wow." The girl just shrugged and watched him get on the scales, hitting one hundred and fourteen. He stepped off, watching his friend look in the mirror, lifting up her top. He could see the tears falling from her eyes as she pinched her stomach. She pulled it down and looked at Kurt, "We can do this together." She smiled a little before grabbing her bag,

"I have to go.. I promised my dads that I would be home before they get back from work." Kurt nodded and grabbed his jacket, "I'll walk you home! I just need to get changed out of this top." Rachel nodded and watched him go to the bathroom before lifting up her top, caught up in her own thoughts when she heard him behind her, "I can see all your ribs.." She jumped and shook her head,

"I can't.." She mutters, looking sadly in the mirror, yanking her top down harshly, "Maybe I will one day." She shrugged, walking out the room with Kurt.

~ .. ~

Rachel walked around the block on her own, needing to have some space away from her fussing parents. She thought about how different her life was now since the diet had begun. It wasn't fair, it was only a diet. She found herself wishing she had never found out about Kurt, wishing she never asked him to show her how. She sighed and looked at the ground, knowing nothing is normal anymore.

She arrived home, smiling at her dad as he watered his flowers outside their beautiful home, "Your dinner is inside." Rachel nodded, murmuring a thank you before he wrapped his arms around her, "I just want you to be okay, you are, aren't you?"

"Of course I am." She walked inside and looked at the food he had left for her; fries and a huge vegetarian burger." She picked up the plate, not being able to stop herself as she walked outside, "You know what a diet is, don't you?" She shook her head and pointed at the food on the plate, "It does not include this. I don't want this crap anymore. I'm on a diet, I need to lose weight. Why can't you just understand that?"

She dropped the plate on the floor, running back into the house as quick as she could, slamming her bedroom door behind her. Rachel jumped on her bed, crying with all that she had, sobbing into her cushion. She hated it all, she hated everything. Nobody could ever understand, not even Kurt.

The next day, she got up out of bed and looked in the mirror; just her usual routine. She quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving her room. "Are you going to eat breakfast?" She stopped walking when she heard her daddy behind her,

"I'm going to be late." She muttered, turning around slowly,

"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" She jumped, looking at both her dad's, noticing her daddy was red in the face, looking as though neither of them had slept all night. Rachel sat down and stared at the toast,

"Did you have to put so much butter on here?" She sighed, scraping it off but he snatched the knife off her, shaking his head,

"Eat it now."

Rachel looked up, her eyes wide, "You want me to be fat, don't you?" They both sighed, shaking their heads, making eye contact with each other before sitting down,

"We just want you to eat.. please, Rachel." She bit down on her lip, the guilt taking over as she picked up a piece of toast,

"S-so many calories... don't.. don't make me." She felt a tear fall down her face, looking at them both, hoping they would stop this but instead, she was met with stern, shaking heads. "Just one bite." She bit into it and pretended to chew, smiling at both of them as they both smiled back, she stood up. She murmured a bye and ran out of the house, spitting out the toast when she got outside, wiping her mouth.

She walked all the way to the school, meeting Finn at the gates, "Hey, how are you feeling?" She wrapped her arms around him, grinning, tip-toeing up to kiss him on the lips.

She smiled as they walked along, loving the looks she got from others, especially the cheerleaders. They all wanted her boyfriend, but she got him. Her smile only brightened when he moved his hand from her waist, to put his in her hand.

She kissed him goodbye when they had to go their separate ways, avoiding the looks from everyone else as she walked to her own classroom. Finn had let her know what they were saying about her – some said she was pregnant, others said she was on drugs. So many rumours but her being anorexic was not one of them; obviously, she thought, she wasn't thin enough.

By lunchtime, she didn't care what people thought, nobody suspected her so she sat with her friends, not touching any food. She ignored their looks, missing her boyfriend who was at football practise. She smiled at Kurt who just sat there, staring into thin air throughout any conversation.

The only time Rachel moved was when Mercedes and Tina sat across from her with their meals, causing Rachel to stand up – after all, it burned more calories. She just stared, her hand around her wrist, trying to determine if she had lost any wait.

Finally, Mercedes had enough, "What?"

"Nothing.. I... do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" She ignored the look of shock on Kurt's face; the first sign of life he had shown throughout the day, as he turned to look at her. Mercedes just shook her head and rolled her eyes,

"At least one thousand." Rachel muttered, her confidence slowly going as she watched the look on her friends faces.

"I don't really care, to be honest." She watched Mercedes stand up and stare right back at the smaller girl, "I was just saying." She whispered weakly, gulping slightly. She didn't want the other girl to win, she didn't care if nobody else cared about calories, fat or their diet.. they should. Everyone should care.

"Not all of us are so self-obsessed." Mercedes said as she walked towards Rachel, both of them ignoring the cafeteria going silent,

"It's got nothing to do with being self-obsessed, I was just pointing out.." Mercedes shook her head, interrupting, "NO! No, everyone knows the reason you collapsed was because you never eat. Nothing to do being dehydration. You collapsed because you're vain." Santana nodded, coming up next to Mercedes, seemingly from nowhere,

"None of us can be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, it was annoying before and it's even more annoying now. You're a selfish bitch, all you think about is yourself." Rachel just shook her head, "I just.. care.."

She was interrupted again, this time by Quinn, "I care, too.. just not like you two." She pointed towards Kurt who just sat up,

"Don't bring me into this." He muttered, but the three girls just shook their heads,

"You're both stupid and selfish. We all tried to get past this, we tried to pretend like nothing was going on but at the end of the day, you're both so involved with each other, you don't even see what is going on around you. I don't obsess like you two, I'm normal. You two.. you're not." Rachel shook her head and slapped Santana as hard as she could, who retaliated with a slap even harder quickly.

Kurt quickly got up, going between the two girls, "Come on, Rachel." He grabbed her bag and her arm, as Rachel looked down at the floor, going past her friends.

"Off you two go then, go vomit or whatever it is you do." She heard behind them, tears forming in her eyes, as Kurt dragged her into the bathroom. Both of them looked around, realizing they were alone. Rachel looked in the mirror, at the slap mark forming on her face. "She deserved that." She said mostly to herself.

Kurt shook his head, "I know but you never should have said anything in the first place."

"I don't know why I did.. I just.. it came out. I wasn't thinking." She shook her head, and then turned back to the mirror, wiping her eyes.

"I hate her."

"No you don't." Rachel shrugged, knowing she didn't really but she wanted to, she wanted to hate everyone.

"It's hard, we have to lose friends sometimes, it had to happen." Rachel nodded, turning to look at him,

"I never thought it would be this hard. I didn't know this would happen, I didn't mean to say anything." She knew she couldn't hold back the tears anymore, she couldn't do this anymore. She let them fall, telling herself it would be the last time she let herself cry in front of anyone.

Kurt walked to her, wrapping his arms tight around her, letting her cry on his shoulder, "I want to die, Kurt." She whispered, "I can't take it anymore, I can't lose anyone else. Everyone hates me, even my dads."

Kurt rubbed her back, kissing her head, "I don't hate you."

"I can't control it anymore. I want to be in control but I'm not anymore, I have nothing."

Kurt frowned, "You have me.." Rachel just nodded before pulling away, thanking him before wiping her eyes. She was going to be thin, telling herself she wasn't good enough yet, but she would be one day. Sighing, she looked at Kurt and tried to smile. "We need to get to Spanish."

"At least we're together this lesson." Kurt said, crossing his arm with hers, they both grinned at each other walking to class slowly. Rachel bit her lip when Mr Shue asked them what was wrong, "I uh.. I didn't feel well, I asked Kurt to come with me. I'm sorry." He nodded and pointed towards two seats, leaving them to walk past Mercedes and Santana, who shook their heads as she walked past.

She knew this was coming, she knew she would lose people. But she couldn't stop, she was in too deep and she was drowning, and she couldn't even call for help.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "I opened my eyes to see that I was all alone..." ~**

"Dad... do you have any idea how many calories are in this one box of cereal?" Rachel looked up at her dad as he sighed, "No Rachel, and I don't care. Eat it."

"Yeah.. but... still." She muttered, pouring a bit of it into her bowl, there was too much fat and calories to have a full bowl, even half a bowl would be too much. "Put more in your bowl."

She looked up and bit her lip, "I don't need more than that though.."

"I think you do."

"You're not me, so what would you know?" Leroy just stared at his daughter until she sighed, giving in and pouring the cereal into her bowl, being too careful with her vegan-friendly milk that he had made sure he had plenty of beforehand so she wouldn't use it as an excuse.

"Done." She finally said, putting down her spoon when all the cereal was gone, her father looking into the bowl and frowning, "Don't you want the milk?" He looked at the leftover milk in the bowl,

"Don't like it."

"You don't like anything." He muttered as he looked down at his toast,

"I ate it didn't I?" He nodded and watched his daughter stand up to make her way to her bedroom, "I'm going to get changed." She smiled at him, running to grab everything before going into the bathroom. She locked the door and looked around, turning on the shower. She took one last look in the mirror before bending down and doing what Kurt had taught her so long ago.

When she was sure she had gotten rid of everything, she wiped her mouth and hands as she looked in the mirror. She knew how terrible she looked, she was perfectly aware of that, but at least she was losing weight. She sighed, brushing her teeth and grabbing the hairbrush, not looking away from her reflection as she brushed her long, straight hair. She gasped at the sight of the huge clump of hair that had fallen out, tears falling down her face as she stared at it. But she shook her head, it wad never supposed to be like this. She couldn't even remember being 'normal' anymore.

She wondered if Kurt's hair fell out too, or if it was just hers. It hadn't been the first time it happened, she thought about asking Kurt what he thought about it – he always seemed to know so much more than she did about this kind of stuff. Shaking her head at her reflection, she quickly got dressed and walked out of the bathroom, "I'm going to school now, dad."

"Okay then, oh.. and your mom just phoned – she wants to know if you want to spend a month with her in New York during term break." Rachel thought about it for a moment, thinking about how good it would be to show her mother her new weight loss, her new found control and how perfect she was turning out to be. She nodded quickly and smiled,

"I will phone her back later." She shouted at her dad before she ran out of the house, grinning as she walked to school. Her mom would be so proud of her.

"Hey!" Rachel ran up to Kurt as they walked to the choir room, beaming as they wrapped their arms around each other. "I told Blaine." Kurt whispered, as he dragged her into the empty choir room,

"Told him what?"

"About what I do..." Rachel stared at her best friend, feeling shocked and betrayed... it was always supposed to be their secret. "What did he say?" Kurt shrugged and looked away,

"He said I didn't have to do that, he loves me the way I am and you know.. the usual." Rachel nodded, sighing quickly as she caught her reflection in the window before taking her seat. "Why did you tell him?"

"It all just came out, he asked why I was upset and I just had to tell someone else.. you understand that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess.. I just... I thought it was our secret." Rachel shook her head and turned away from the window, not even able to look at her reflection anymore.

"It is, I didn't tell him everything. I told him I was in control and I would stop. It's going to be okay, it's still our little secret." Rachel just nodded, thinking about how she would tell someone, but then she never wanted help. People would want to tell others and then everything would be ruined. She sighed when she realized she was all alone in this, even if Kurt did know.

It had been three weeks since Santana and Rachel had argued, and they still hadn't spoken at all. Rachel groaned when she looked at her when they got to class, shaking her head and putting her head back in her hands as she stared down at her book, trying not to look up again during the entire class. She didn't want to argue, but she didn't want a friend. She was fine on her own as long as she had Finn.

"Rachel?" The teacher called out to the girl, Rachel didn't want any attention, she didn't want to answer her stupid questions. "Will you please come and write the sum on the board?" Rachel nodded and looked down at the floor as she walked up , she could hear the whispers as her hand shook, writing the answer slowly,

_'Look at her – skin and bone.'_

_'What a mess.'_

_'What does Finn even see in her?' _

She tried her best to ignore them, telling herself it wasn't true, she would never be skin and bones. She finished writing the answer, walking back to her seat quickly. "Well done." The teacher responded when Rachel sat down. She kept her head down, listening to the whispers. They all know.. they're all onto her, she thought, they were going to catch her and ruin everything.

She felt a tear fall down her cheek, trying to hide it from everyone, "Miss? Can I take Rachel out of class for a moment, please?" Santana asked, ignoring Rachel when she shook her head as she took her hand in hers and pulled her outside. Rachel refused to lift her head up, she couldn't stand the thought of everyone looking at her.

"What's going on?"

"Why would you care?" Rachel muttered, looking up when they got outside the classroom, knowing the whispers would still continue even when she was gone.

"I do care, I am so sorry about before.. I just, I miss the old you so much. I hate to admit it, but it's true." Rachel nodded, biting her lip, "I miss her too.."

"I know you have an Eating Disorder." Santana sighed,

"I don't. I am fine." She replied, closing her eyes tight when Santana wrapped her arms around her, refusing to break down right there and then. She didn't want anyone else to know how much she was hurting and how close she was to breaking. "I'm fine." She repeated,

"I can feel all your bones, Finn is so worried about you." Rachel quickly pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself, "Sorry for hitting you." She whispered at the other girl, trying to change the subject,

"I'm sorry for hitting you too."

"F.. F-Friends?" Rachel regretted it the moment she said it, it would just be one more person who would get involved in all of this, one more person who would get hurt, one more person to try and make her eat. One more person to hold her and let her know everything would be okay, when she knew it would never be okay.

~ .. ~

Kurt groaned when he woke up that morning, Rachel was going away for more of their time off which meant he would be all alone. He looked around his bedroom, sighing. He got out of bed, looking at himself in the mirror, running to the bathroom to weigh himself. He looked down at the numbers, crying out in anger as he had done so many days before. If he was Rachel, he would have lost ten pounds by now. She was the one who could go for days and days without food or drink, the one who would exercise on nothing and the one who actually enjoyed feeling hungry. Kurt was the one who couldn't stand feeling hungry, but hated eating. He was the one who made himself vomit after every single bit of food reached his mouth.

They were different in so many ways, sometimes he envied Rachel but then he thought about all the pain the girl must be going through; the hunger pain and how it must feel to not actually be able to eat a thing. He found himself wondering often what it would be like to be anorexic, even for just a day. Maybe Rachel felt the same way, maybe she wondered what bulimia was like.

He shook his head for a moment, sighing when his father called him down for something to eat. It was going to be harder now that it was a few months off work, it would be harder to go the day without food and the nights with binging. Everything was going to be broken, his routine was going to be ruined. He ran down the stairs, kissing his dad on the cheek before sitting down,

"How's your first day of Summer so far?" His step-mom grinned as she placed some pancakes in front of her three boys, not noticing the look on Kurt's face as he mentally counted the amount of calories and fat.

"I don't feel well." He finally muttered, closing his eyes, trying to act like he was about to throw up. Carol wrapped an arm around him, placing a hand on his forehead, "You do have a small fever, go lay down, sweetie." Kurt nodded and slowly walked up the stairs, falling onto the bed as he tried not to cry, closing his eyes and trying to focus on something else.

He looked at his clock, realizing he must have fallen asleep as it was already afternoon. Slowly, he got up and walked into the bathroom to run a bath, he looked in the mirror and groaned; he truly looked terrible. His eyes were bright red, the bags underneath showing just how much sleep he seemed to be getting. He noticed a few spots that hadn't been there the day before, and he sighed, he never wanted it to be this bad. He didn't want to suffer this way, he hadn't wanted to be dying.

Everything was just getting harder and harder, everyday was more of a struggle than the day before. He was stuck in this thing he was forced to call a life, but now it just seemed like he was stuck in this place that was focused on a goal – a goal that seemed impossible. He was just trapped and he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't want to die but he didn't want to live. He had no idea what he wanted, he didn't know who he was and who he wanted to be.

Kurt had never wanted this to happen, he didn't want to be defined in terms of his Eating Disorder but he didn't want to recover either. He was proud of his bulimia in a strange kind of way, like it was another person who had already planned his life, even if Kurt didn't want the life any longer.

Kurt thought about how hard it was being him, he doesn't even know what he wants in this life. He was ruled by this invisible person, a person who would tell him what to do and how to life his own life and Kurt knew he had no choice but to listen. He had no choice but to let the voice win and he didn't know to control this thing. He didn't know if he even wanted to anymore.

"_The idea of getting better scares me, I feel defined by my disorders. And in a way, I'm proud of them, they are a part of me. They are who I am and I can't change that, even if I wish I could." _

~ .. ~

Rachel got off the plane and took a deep breath; she hated flying, people watching while you do stuff, always asking if you wanted anything to eat. She smiled a little and shook her head, looking for her mom before finally spotting her, "Wow.. you've lost so much weight, baby, I might need to fatten you up!" Shelby grinned and wrapped her arms around her daughter, biting her lip in worry when she could feel all her bones.

"No.. it's like... a whole new me." Rachel laughed, pulling away quickly, hating people feeling her.

"You've changed so much.. it's only been a few months but you've changed." Rachel nodded and looked at the floor as they both walked. She saw how excited her mom was about this visit, only making her think she was finally doing something right.

They finally got to the beautiful house, after Rachel spent her time admiring every single thing about New York, her dreams all playing out in her mind as she thought about her time in college in a year. She sat in her bedroom, writing down plans for that month including going to see at least one Broadway show.

"Are you ready for dinner?" Shelby poked her head into Rachel's bedroom later that week, smiling in relief when Rachel nodded and shut down her laptop. She sighed when she thought about all those meals prepared for her this week, every single one of them being fatty and whenever she even mentioned calories or fat, she would get knowing looks from her mother and she would always say; "You don't need to worry about silly things like that. Just eat the food, Rachel."

Rachel suspected that her fathers and Shelby had a discussion before she came here, she probably already knew that she hardly ate at home which was why she seemed to constantly be on at her. Rachel knew that she was the reason they were having family meals, there was a reason why Shelby went completely out her way to make sure dinner was on the table.

She walked into the dining room and smiled at both Beth and Shelby, sitting down and looking down at the plate in front of her. She watches her mom shovel the food in her mouth, not even thinking about what she was putting into her body. This always confused Rachel, wondering how anyone could possibly not be counting all the calories. She could never even focus on anything other.

She puts her fork halfway through and looks up at her mom, "I don't feel too good." She mutters, putting her hands on her stomach,

"You said that the other day and the day before that.." Shelby frowned, putting her own fork down when she finished, "I'm sure you can finish the rest."

"I feel sick." Rachel groaned for emphasis, not truly lying – she did feel sick.

"I don't care, your fathers warned me about this. I will not have you doing this to yourself while you are under my roof." Rachel quickly got up, glaring at her mother and pulling her arm away when the other woman grabbed it. "You have to be excused first."

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed, "May I be excused, _mother?_"

"No you may not, sit down and eat your food."

Rachel smirked and folded her arms over her chest, "Are you going to make me? You can't make me do anything, you don't own me." She pushed back from the table, hearing the chair drop as she ran up the stairs and locking the door to her bedroom before running to the joining bathroom. She had to get rid of it all, she had to make sure she didn't get fatter.

When she was done, she just sat on the floor and curled into a tight ball. She couldn't take this anymore, she couldn't do it. She started to cry as she thought about how hard everything was, how she was unable to sit through a meal and how she wouldn't stop thinking about calories and fat.

She laughed bitterly when she thought about how she was getting on her own nerves, she had no idea how everyone else felt. But she knew she was better off alone anyway, she thought about how she didn't deserve anyone, she just wanted to be left alone.

She cried even harder when she thought about how happy she was before all this, she had been leaving her dream and she had an amazing boyfriend and best friends. She cried because she had ruined it all,she was just bringing everyone down with her and she didn't want to.

She knew that if she was all alone, when she died nobody would care and nobody would be hurt. They wouldn't be able to blame her or hate her anymore.

"_She was dead in her mind, cold to the bone, and when she opens her eyes, she hopes she's all alone." _


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "I can't escape yourself." ~ **

Rachel would be back soon, Kurt had been worried because he hadn't spoken to her at all in the past three weeks. The girl had been online for the first week but then something must have happened because after that week, she hadn't replied to any messages or calls. Kurt wondered what could be going on with her, not knowing if he was just worrying too much and she was just having a good time in New York with her mom.

He sighed and got out of bed, he had missed his best friend in the past month. He took one look in the mirror, trying not to linger for too long. He was trying to break out of this morning routine for a bit, just to see how he felt. He made his way down the stairs and smiled at his parents as he walked into the kitchen, "You feeling better this week?"

He nodded at the two of them, starting to make himself some cereal. The vacation had been hard so far, he went from pretending to be sick, to actually being sick – his plan had backfired.

"Rachel will be back soon." He exchanged a look with Finn before sitting down, who just frowned and nodded, "That's good." Burt offered, looking at the two boys on the table.

"I hope she had a good time, she hasn't been online for three weeks." He shrugged and looked at his breakfast, "It must be hard for her though.. Shelby has only just wanted to get to know her." He heaved a deep sigh, as both parents nodded slightly.

"Can she sleep over a few nights when she settles back home?" He noticed the smile creeping on Finn's face and he shook his head, "In _my _bedroom." He added, smirking. He grinned when Carole and Burt nodded.

He stood up, "I'm going to get dressed and go for a run or something."

"You are okay, aren't you?"

"I'm wonderful, thanks dad." He ran upstairs and to his bedroom, stepping on the scales and grinning, he was down another seven pounds leaving him at one hundred and five pounds. He was getting there, slowly.

He wondered how Rachel had been doing lately, knowing the girl was probably into double figures by now. He knew he would be jealous when she got back, he sighed and brushed his teeth as he imagined it. He thought back to the other day when he had coughed up blood, the whole thing had scared him so much, he promised he would stop purging for a little while.

He heaved a deep sigh and wondered if his best friend was okay. She was coming home in three days and Kurt knew the month would have only gone one of two ways – amazing or horrible. He hoped it was amazing, he knew the girl couldn't take any more hurt or pain in her life. He shook his head at the thought, she second one would explain why she hadn't called back.

He knew Rachel would tell him everything when she got back, but he couldn't help but wonder. She was his best friend and they only have two weeks of summer vacation left, until they had to go back for their senior year. Kurt grabbed the food under his bed, stuffing it into his mouth. He thought about what Rachel would say about him right now, what she would be thinking of him. He could imagine the girl tutting and shaking her head, laughing at him when he swallowed all of those empty calories. And he would do the same when Rachel ate – something he had yet to get the change to do. It was nothing horrible, but something they both did.

He thought about how terrified Rachel looked whenever anything passed her lips, whereas when he had first met the girl, she would eat without even thinking about it. He sighed, biting down on his lip before going to the bathroom, going back on his own promise. Him and Rachel were so lost in this world, both of them had yet to find their place again.

~ .. ~

Rachel sat in her room and stared at the blank wall in front of her. She wanted to go back home, she didn't want to be at her mom's house any longer. But she wouldn't let her leave, she didn't want Rachel out of her sight. She bit down on her lip, she was seventeen now, she should be able to leave when she wants to.

Rachel sighed, she hated her mother. She looked down at her arms and felt warm tears run down her face as she traced some of the scars she had made on her arms, it was all Shelby's fault she had done it. She didn't care though, she blamed her father's but Rachel knew she had never cut back home.

She closes her eyes and sits there on her bed, nibbling on her lower lip as little as she keeps repeating to herself that there are only three days left. "Rachel?" She sighs and turns around to see her mother,

"Can you come down for lunch now?" She shook her head, "I don't eat lunch, you should know that by now."

"Please.." Her mom looked like she was going to cry but Rachel just shook her head, why should she even care? The woman hadn't even wanted to know her last year. She stood up and pretended to walk to the door, waiting until Shelby was out first before slamming the door behind the stunned woman. She slid down against the closed door and curled up into a tight ball, she couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't do it for much longer. She didn't want stupid dinner or lunch.. she just wanted to go home to be with her friends, her fathers and her boyfriend. She hated being there, she didn't belong there.

She thought about the past three weeks, she thought it would be amazing, that her mother would be proud of her but every single day the woman was jealous of all the control her daughter had. She was made to sit down at the table three times a day, eat three full meals, Shelby would even call her down from her bedroom for three snacks a day. More tears fell down her face, they all wanted her to be fat.

She remembered back to the first time she went away from the dinner table, her mom had come into her bedroom and smiled at her, sitting her down to speak about eating disorders. She had begged her to come with her to see a Doctor but Rachel had screamed, telling the woman she would rather die because they would just laugh and say she was too fat to have a problem.

She kept going on and on at her about how she was going to phone Leroy and Hiram, saying about how much trouble Rachel was going to be in. But her fathers already knew about the diet, they already knew Rachel had some 'minor' problems. They knew all of that and she didn't need to hear it from the woman who only decides to be a part of her life after sixteen years.

Rachel shook her head and dug her nails into her skin, she hated that woman so much. She had left and never looked back, never thought about her and then when she decided to come back, Rachel didn't live up to her expectations, so she had replaced her and then decided she wanted to be a mom. Rachel found herself wondering why the older woman couldn't just tell her that she didn't love her daughter and get it over and done with.

When she finally calmed down, she looked down at her phone – twenty three missed calls from Kurt, thirty missed calls from Finn. She sighed and chucked her phone down, getting up off the floor, wiping away the tears quickly before resuming her position on the bed to stare at the wall. "Home soon." She whispered to herself over and over again, it was all she could think about. She wanted to go home and never come back to this house.

She shook her heard and laid down, closing her eyes. She thought about Finn and how much she missed him. She wanted him to hold her and tell her it would all be okay. She wanted to tell him everything and let him know she wanted to be better again. She wanted to tell him she wanted to be able to smile and laugh again, and he would understand. He would still love her and want to be with her, despite her flaws.

She smiled at the thought; he would hold her and kiss her and tell her that he understood. He was going to help her though all of it when she was ready, she knew he would. She had to tell him, he deserved the truth. "I love you so much, Finn Hudson." She whispered into the dark, empty room as she fell asleep.

~ .. ~

"Good morning!" Kurt ran down the stairs and grabbed an apple as he grinned at his parents, they looked at the boy strangely before his dad shook his head and Carole just smiled, "You're in a good mood."

"Rachel is coming home today."

"Oh, I should have guessed, what are you going to do?"

"I will over hers later, her plane hasn't taken off yet. Finn and I checked this morning on the internet." He was smiling like mad, he finally had someone to exercise with and someone to hang out with. He couldn't wait to show off his weight loss, he couldn't wait to show all the control. But he couldn't help but wonder how much Rachel would have lost by now.

He sighed a few hours later, realizing Rachel should be home by now and she still hadn't called or messaged him back. He looked in the mirror and ran downstairs when he heard Carole call for him, "Yes?" He looked at the woman at the bottom of the stairs, not even recognising the girl besides her. He shook his head in shock,

"R-Rachel?" He knew the girl would have lost some weight but he had no idea just how much, he felt like he was going to cry – both from envy and fear. He looked at Carole and saw the fear in the woman's eyes, she knew something.. she was catching on.

"Do you want something to eat?" The older woman finally asked, breaking the silence. Rachel looked down at her feet and shook her head, "No, thank you." She whispered, Kurt could see the worry on his step-mother's face and he shook his head, wrapping an arm around the shaking girl. "Maybe later." He bit his lip and led the tiny girl up the stairs.

"What happened?" Rachel just shook her head, and he could feel her shaking in his arms, not sure if it was because she was scared of something or because of the severe weight loss. He could see the girl was about to cry, that she wanted to be alone with her best friend. He nodded at his parents, and grabbed Rachel's hand, leading her into his bedroom. He found himself wondering what the two were discussing right now, if they were onto Rachel.

When they got to his bedroom, he shut the door and watched Rachel struggle to take the few steps to his bed. He saw the girl avoid the mirror, noticing how much she had changed in such a small period of time. He took in her appearance; her usual shiny, brown hair was tired back in a loose ponytail, her fringe pulled back with a headband and she had no make-up on at all. She was completely pale and she had some light spots on her face. He frowned at the sight, her usual perfect skin was being ruined by something Kurt had introduced her to.

Rachel was shaking but he could tell she was wearing about four layers of clothing, on the top layer she was wearing a baggy pair of sweatpants and a large jumper that was probably keeping her tiny body warm and attempting to hide her tiny frame. He was shocked when he had seen her, before she left she had been thin but now she was.. skeletal. It was the first word that came to his mind when he saw her. Rachel looked like a ghost, and her heavily protruding cheekbones had scared him but it was her eyes that scared him the most. They had been chocolate brown before but now.. they were nothing. There was no life, no sparkle, no passion.. it was as though all the color had gone out of her world and she didn't want to live any longer.

Kurt looked away for a moment as he tried to hold back his own tears, deciding to walk over to the girl and sit next to her. He grabbed her hand and tried his best to smile at his best friend who was just staring at the floor, avoiding eye contact. "What happened?" He repeated now that they were alone,

"I don't know"

"Yes you do, what did Shelby do?" He could feel her already shaking hand starting to shake even more – if it was possible. "S-She hates me.." She finally whispered, Kurt was taken back for a moment, the confident girl now sounded so much like a little girl, he couldn't believe one month had done this to someone who used to be so strong.

"No she doesn't, do you want to tell me about it?"

"I-I tried to keep it a secret, I did. But she kept going on and on and on about it and I couldn't keep it up any longer, it was too much effort. She wanted to take me to a Doctor but I wouldn't let her, I locked myself in my bedroom and hid out in the bathroom for days." She muttered, biting her lip, "I didn't want to go, Kurt, I didn't want some man looking at my hideous body and telling me I was too fat to have anorexia. I couldn't go through that."

Kurt shook his head and put an arm around her when he saw the tears running down his face, "How much do you weigh?" He whispered, almost dreading the answer as he kissed the side of her head.

"I don't know.. I wasn't allowed." He could her the resentment in her voice, wondering how the woman that Rachel had wanted to impress so much had turned into her worst enemy in one visit. Kurt looked at her and took her hand, needing to know how far Rachel had taken this, leading her into the bathroom and stopping in front of the scales.

Rachel looked away from them and shook her head, "S-Scared." She whispered, tears falling from her eyes again,

"Don't worry, it's okay." He was scared as well, the girl looked so thin and so ill, he knew the girl was in doubles by now. Rachel took a deep breath and closed her eyes tight as she stepped onto the scales. Kurt closed his, too, not wanting his best friend to be sick, he didn't want her to die. He could feel tears escape his eyes and he turned away so Rachel wouldn't see them, he never wanted this to happen.

"Seventy eight pounds." Rachel finally whispered, Kurt held in a gasp and shook his head, "That's almost two stone in a month." Rachel just looked down at the floor, walking out of the bathroom, and Kurt realized just how much the girl was struggling to even walk. He was still trying to get over the shock and also trying to figure out how the girl could possibly lose that much in one month.

He followed her out and sighed when he found her in front of the mirror, staring at herself in disgust, "You're not fat." He hopelessly muttered, knowing whatever he said would do no good.

"I'm too fat for her, she wanted me to get fatter so she could laugh at me and tell me how I don't reach the expectations of a daughter she had." She shook her head and looked away quickly.

"I hated it there, I wanted to come home after the first week but she wouldn't let me. I did stuff there that I don't want to do again but I'm so scared that I'm going to." She bit down on her lip and turned away from Kurt,

"What did you do?" He sat down and tried to imagine what the girl could have done, his suspicions confirmed when Rachel rolled up her sleeves, "She kept going on and on about what a let down I am and how I was a bad influence on Beth. She kept shouting at me to eat, going on about how easy it is. I didn't mean to, I don't even remember doing it. I remember being scared and angry. I missed you and I missed Finn, I didn't know what to do."

He could tell the girl was ashamed and he tried to smile at her, putting his hand on top of hers before wrapping his arms around her. He could feel how bony she had gotten in such a small amount of time, and he had no idea what to do about it. And the worst thing was, he could only think about how he wished he had that control.

~ .. ~

**Rachel**

I wake up early every single day, I do the same thing all the time. I wake up, run to the mirror, weigh myself and then do some crunches, then some squats and then I go for a run, weighing again when I get back, It's my routine, I don't know when it started but it's the way I live now.

I get up out of bed quickly just so I can get dressed before the coldness settles in. I was always cold, it was a feeling that never seemed to go away. I shake my head as I look into the mirror, sighing at all the fat I can see. I hate the mirror sometimes, it doesn't lie and it hurts to know I look like that. I wish it would lie. It seems to take no notice of the lowering number on the scales, I just get fatter. I run to the scales; only one pound down. I don't eat and all I get is a little weight loss. It's not fair.

I wonder when my life stopped being normal. I miss my old life, I don't miss being fat but I miss having a life. Now my life is about numbers – calories, fat, pounds and sizes. Nothing was right anymore, no matter what I do. I looked around my room, checking everything was in order before leaving and then silently opened my bedroom door.

I have to look around to make sure neither dad is there to stop me going for a run. I have to meet Kurt in ten minutes, he was the only friend I have left. I still had Finn but we barely see each other, the disgust on his face still playing in my mind when he saw me last week. I sighed at the thought and ran faster, not wanting to be late.

I smile when I see him, carrying on with my run so he can join me. This is the most normality I get during the whole day – most of the time I was locked in my bedroom because my dads don't let me out of the house, assuming I'm safer in my bedroom. "Here we go." Kurt hands me some water and I smile, thanking him before taking a sip.

I sit for a while while we try and get our breath back, getting number and weaker every single day. I can't just lay down though, I couldn't let myself get fat again. I looked at Kurt, who had caught his breath back already and was probably ready to go.

"Isn't that Blaine?" Kurt nodded towards a person standing on the other side of the beach, too far away to hear us but close enough to see who we are. I shrug, "Maybe." I hadn't seen him or anyone else since the end of school, I didn't plan on doing so either. I quickly run off in the opposite direction and Kurt follows,

"Instead of going for a run tomorrow morning, do you want to go for a swim?" I nod, smiling when we have to go our separate ways. Kurt's parents didn't mind him going out for runs but they would have gone mad if they knew he was with me because I was so 'underweight'. My dads say the same, they would go mad if they even knew I was out of bed.

I watch him leave and carry on running towards my house; I can't help but wonder if the only reason he is my best friend is because of our eating disorders and maybe, if I did recover, then he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And then I wouldn't have anyone; Finn didn't even call or text me anymore, I haven't heard from him and I have no idea what to do. Maybe he found someone else and I couldn't blame him if he had.

I sigh and stop running when my side hurts, starting to walk slowly – trying to think past the pain and think about other things. But then again, pain doesn't hurt when it's all you ever feel. It was as though I've been put on this earth to hurt, and I don't even know how to cope with it. I finally get to the house, walking inside without caring what my dads say. I've gone for the run by now, it's not like they can do anything about it.

Sure enough they're sitting there, waiting for me, I look at them for a moment and try to walk past them both before daddy grabs my arm and stands up, "Where have you been?"

"For a walk."

"Don't lie to us." I protest in response but they shake their heads and nods towards a seat on the other side of the table, "I'm not eating." I say simply, not even bothering to deny anything anymore.

"You're going to sit down." I sit there and stare at the toast set in front of me, staring at the amount of butter on it. "Do you want me to be fat again?" I look up at them and shake my head, I couldn't believe this, everyone wanted me to get fatter. I try so hard and people hate me.

"You've never been fat, please baby.. please eat." Dad speaks up this time and I stare at him,

"You're going to the Doctors later."

"NO!" I slam my cup down that I had been holding and watch the water spill all over me, running out of the room before locking myself in the bathroom as tears fall down my face quickly. "Rachel, get out of here right now." He sounds so angry, I didn't mean to make either of them angry, I didn't mean to let them down.

I sigh and feel more tears fall down my face but I quickly wipe them away. I wasn't going to cry anymore, it was a sign of a weakness and I am anything but weak. "In a minute, dad." I finally shout out and flush the toilet to make it look like I had just gone, before opening the door, "Chill out." I say as casually as I can manage, sitting back down at the table.

I look down at the plate and then back at the both of them, "I'm not going to go."

"Yes you are." I sigh and push the plate away, "Make me." I challenge them, but they shake their heads and choose to just push the plate back to me. "I would love to see either of you try and make me."

"We're going now." I shake my head quickly, trying to pull out of the vice-like grip my daddy has on my arm, but I'm too weak and they're both too strong. I know I have no chance of getting out of this one. I scream and I kick and I punch but he stood still with my dad not too far behind me, never letting go.

"Fine! Just.. let me get something from my bedroom.." I sigh in relief when he lets go and I run upstairs, grabbing the weight I had bought so long ago. I can hide them in my underwear, as Kurt told me to do so long ago if they ever thought about weighing me at school or at the doctor's. I nod at my dads when I walk out of my bedroom and they both sigh in relief, "Come on, baby." I roll my eyes, following them both, not wanting them to know I'm too weak to keep up their pace, not wanting them to know how hard every single step is for me.

~ .. ~

"Rachel Berry, please." Rachel sighs when she hears her name being called, she had been waiting for half an hour and was hoping her dads would get too annoyed with waiting and they could have gone home. She felt a dad on either side as they took her both arms and led her inside, the girl trying to shake both of them off before they walked into the room.

She stared at the woman behind the desk – the one who would weigh her, the one who could expose the secret if she wasn't careful. Rachel looks around the room as she's led to seat by her daddy, sitting down between them both. She refused to make eye contact with either of them and instead chooses to focus on the room, wondering what it would be like to be a doctor.

"She won't eat." She can her one of her dad's mutter, but she wasn't really listening. She had no idea what either of them could have said before that, if anything had been said before. She didn't really care anymore, if they wanted to speak about her like she wasn't even here, it was fine with her. She wants to be invisible, she wants to fade away.

"Rachel?" She can hear the Doctor speak to her directly and she looks over, not bothering saying anything, "Would you like to go through your normal diet with me?" She just nods and thinks about what could be called normal.

"I have cereal in the morning, salad for lunch and then whatever daddy or dad cooks in the evening." She looks at her dad, and then at her daddy, hopelessly hoping they would back her up but the shake of their heads tell her they won't.

"You haven't eaten anything at home for a while." She just shrugs, looking away,

"How about you just stop lying?" She could hear the annoyance in her dad's voice, and she could hear the hurt too when he shouted.

"I just want to know if you're eating okay." The Doctor speaks up, breaking the tension between the small family, "I am eating fine, thank you for asking."

"Alright then, I am going to ask your fathers to leave the room and then I would like you to get changed into one of those gowns." Rachel nodded and stood up, "May I check your pockets first?" The Doctor stands up and Rachel just shakes her head, she could feel the weights in there, she was going to put them in her underwear in a minute. She needed more time.

"We've had a lot of girls come in here recently and try and place weights in their underwear to hide their true weight. I just need to make sure for your own health that you haven't done the same." Rachel could feel the tears pour down her face already, she thought about being put away, everyone was going to find out and the control would be gone. "I-I don't..." She whispers weakly, ignoring the look on her dads faces as they both shake their heads, standing up,

"Let me check, I will have you watch you get changed, either way I will find out." Rachel sighs and lets the woman turn out her pockets, pulling out the weights before handing them to her daddy, both of them turning away from their daughter. They were ashamed, Rachel thought, embarrassed by her. They hated her.

She murmurs an apology and they look at her, "You're sick, baby girl.. please.. please let us help you." She could see the tears in her dad's eyes, knowing she was breaking their heart. And instead, she just shrugs and grabs the gown, stepping behind the curtains to get changed – the plan hadn't gone well.

She hears the door shut when her dads walk out and she closes her eyes, trying to stop herself from crying. She shakes them off quickly and walks back to the doctor, seeing the woman look her up and down, "Step on the scales please." She nods slowly and slowly steps on them, this woman didn't even know her and she already hated her. She could see the woman thinking about what a huge time waster Rachel was being, when she could be helping someone who is actually sick.

"Seventy pounds." The woman mutters to herself, writing it down, "Can you step off and stand by here, please?" Rachel nodded and watched as her height was measured, "And can you sit on the bed, please?" Rachel just nods again, not saying a word as she watches the woman go to a large chart over by the wall, heaving a deep sigh before turning back to face the teenager.

"Rachel, do you know what anorexia is?" Rachel just nods, biting her lip, suddenly feeling shy and exposed. She watches the Doctor grab a blood pressure monitor besides her and wrap it around the tiny arm, pumping gently. "Thought so." She finally mutters, and Rachel takes the time to turn back to the woman,

"Thought what?"

"Low blood pressure."

"Oh.." Rachel looked down, not really fully understanding what it meant, "Can I get changed now?" She jumps off when the woman tells her she can and she runs to put her baggy clothing on, smiling when she can't see her fatness anymore, handing the woman the gown.

"Sit down for a minute, I think we should talk before we bring your dads back in here." Rachel does as she asks and bites her lip,

"I just need to ask you a few questions, and I need you to tell me the truth." She takes a deep breath, "You have a body mass index of 12.8; you are at a severe risk of cardiac arrest and other health related problems, and if you don't get help very soon, then I am scared something will happen to you.. do you want to die, Rachel?"

"Everyone would be a lot happier." Rachel mutters, regretting the words the instant they come out of her mouth, but the Doctor didn't even seem shocked at the words, "Your fathers both love you a lot, but I can't help but wonder why nothing was done about this so much sooner."

"I've been away for a month with my mom."

"And what happened when you got back?" Rachel looked up and shrugged, "What do you mean?"

"Well, did your dads try and help you when they noticed your weight loss?" Rachel just nods and looks back down at the floor,

"They try to make me sit down with them to eat, they take days off work just to make sure I do..." She could feel a blush creeping on her cheeks, the shame showing at how selfish she had been.

"And how long as this been going on?"

"It was just a diet.." Rachel whispers, closing her eyes, "I just.. started being healthy, no junk food at all, no matter what.."

"And you lost weight.." The Doctor just nodded and waited for her to continue,

"I just wanted my mom to be proud of me."

"Do you think she will only be proud of you if you're thin?" Rachel nods and then looks up at the woman, "Sometimes, I think that if I am thin, then she wouldn't have left me a year ago, I would have been good enough for her but... I got there and she still hates me even when I lost everything.. and by then it was too late."

"When did the diet become a problem, Rachel?"

"I really really happy because I had lost a little weight but then I went to this sleepover and the boy I was with he... he um.. he threw everything we ate back up and I was so curious..." She trails off, knowing Kurt would hate her so much if she exposed his secret,

"He taught you?" Rachel quickly shakes her head, denying it quickly, wanting to take everything back, knowing she had to protect Kurt like he protected her all this time. The woman sighs, "Do you want to tell me his name?" Another shake of the head. "He has an eating disorder too, he needs help as well."

Rachel nods slightly and bites her lip, "He won't let me tell anyone. It's his secret to tell, not mine."

"Okay.. and then what happened after this sleepover?"

"I don't know, I kept eating less and less, cutting out more and more food and then I threw up everything I did eat. I just wanted to be thin. But.. no matter how much weight I lose, I never look thinner."

"Rachel... I need to get you admitted into a hospital, and I know this is going to be hard for you but it's for your own good. You have to get better, you don't want to die, do you, honey?" Rachel shakes her head, not even sure if she wants to fight anymore. "I'm just going to get your dads."

Rachel watches the woman walk out, not returning for another fifteen minutes, before coming back with her dads behind her. They both smiled at her, running to either side to kneel down next to her, squeezing both her hands, "We're going to get you some help, okay, baby?" She nods at them both and tries to smile back at them,

"I'm sorry dad, daddy.." She whispers, watching them both shake their heads,

"It's okay, darling.. it's going to be better soon. We promise." They both look over at the Doctor as the woman speaks, putting down the phone,

"Unfortunately – against my advice – they are unable to give you a bed until tomorrow. I will have to phone you with a time, will that be okay?" Leroy nods and stands up, helping his shaking daughter up. "I will see you soon, Rachel." The woman says before shaking both men's hands, speaking to Hiram as Leroy slowly led Rachel from the room.

"It's going to be okay now." He whispers to his daughter,

"Can I go say goodbye to Kurt?" Hiram comes up besides them both and shakes his head, "The doctor doesn't think we should let you out of our sight tonight." Rachel nods and looks down at the ground, "Can I phone him?"

"Of course you can." Rachel nods a little and leans against her dad, closing her eyes, murmuring a thank you.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "Watching you fall apart." ~**

Finn looked in the mirror as he put down the phone, watching the tears fall down his face. He couldn't believe this had happened, he always suspected something but he didn't want it to be true – he never wanted this to happen.

He shook his head, at least she was getting help now. He wiped away his tears, and smiled slightly, it might be okay now. Rachel would get better, and everything would be okay once more. He nodded and then looked down at his phone, grabbing it and texting his girlfriend quickly -

'Good luck my beautiful star, I know you can do this. You can can recover from this, you are so much stronger than you believe. I will come and see you the moment you call. Miss you so much, baby.. I love you more than anything. Forever yours, Finn.'

He nodded at his own text and smiled, hopefully it would be okay. He pressed send and then looked around his bedroom, satisfied with himself. He decided to go see the rest of the Glee club, let them know what was going on. He knew it would be hard for Rachel, and they would all have to get the lead singer through it.

He frowned at the conversation they had just had – she had begged him to tell Kurt for her because she was too scared to phone him herself. He bit down on his lip, trying to think if Kurt already knew about the girl. Does his step-brother suffer too? He shook the thought off, yes, it could explain their closeness but it didn't make sense. Kurt ate, he knew he did.

He was glad Rachel was getting help, she would be in hospital from tomorrow morning. He was surprised that she had chosen to phone him – even though he was her boyfriend, he always thought Kurt would have been the first person she would phone. Maybe they had an argument or something, he shook his head and walked out of his bedroom, jumping slightly when his phone beeped. Smiling when he saw her name on the text.

'Thank you my gorgeous boyfriend, I am going to try so hard. I cannot do this anymore. You are the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and I am so sorry for everything I have put you through lately. I never meant to push you away, I am so glad you stayed with me. I am so lucky. I know I need to get better, and I am going to try as hard as I can. I miss you too, baby, I love you so much. Forever yours, Rachel.'

He waited for the Glee club to gather – all except Kurt, who was still on his run and Finn wanted to tell the boy on his own. "I need to talk to all of you." He ignored their frowns as they all sat down, Santana muttering something about having better places to be.

"Rachel just called me." He looked at them all and then sat down,

"So?" A few of them rolled their eyes and turned away, others looked at him in confusion,

"I saw her this morning, Finn." Blaine spoke up quietly as his eyes brimmed with tears, and he bit down on his lip before carrying on. "She was with Kurt, running... she was... so tiny and Kurt just seemed oblivious." He clenched his fist at the thought, biting down on his lip harder,

"She's been hospitalized." Finn looked at Blaine, he hadn't really seen his girlfriend recently; mostly just around school, she seemed to be avoiding him but he knew how tiny she was, but there was something that really spooked Blaine this morning.

"Why?" Santana spoke up, for once not saying anything nasty about the girl,

"She has anorexia, she's been admitted on an emergency basis... her BMI is twelve point.. something.. and normal is eighteen.. so, she's going to get help." He looked at their faces, a lone tear finding it's way down his face as he sighed.

"She looked so fragile, I wanted to run up to her and wrap my arms tight around her but I thought she could break..." Blaine whispered, shaking his head as the image just wouldn't leave his mind.

"What happened to our Rachel?" Tina whispered, looking down as she cried,

"Sometimes.. these things happen to people who we least expect it to.. something sent her over the edge but she will be okay now, she's getting help and that's all that matters, alright guys?" Mike looked at all of them as he held his own girlfriend close, not knowing what he would do if something ever happened to her.

"I want her back.." Quinn sighs, never thinking she would say that about her previous rival for Finn's attention.

"Me too and we will, soon.. she's so determined to do this." Finn tried to smile, tried to be strong because they were already down a leader, he had to step up until she came back.

"What did she say to you on the phone?" Mercedes asked, looking at the boy who closed his eyes, trying to remember the whole conversation:

"_Hello?" Finn picked up his mobile phone on the other end, _

"_Finn?" He smiled at the sound of her voice on the other end, relieved to finally hear from her, _

"_Rachel? What's wrong?" _

"_I need to tell you something but please don't hate me." She sounded so weak, she didn't sound like the Rachel he had fallen in love with anymore. _

"_Okay.." He sat down on his bed and waited for her to carry on speaking, not wanting to press her for information. _

"_I am going to the hospital tomorrow.. I.. I've been diagnosed with anorexia." _

"_Oh my god.. I mean.. I thought... I just.. I didn't know for sure.. w-what.. what happened?" _

"_My dads made me go to the Doctors, they weighed me, took my blood pressure, asked me questions.. she said I was underweight, and it was quite important I had to go hospital very soon." Finn nodded, busying himself on google as she cried on the other side of the phone. _

"_What's your BMI?" He muttered, typing it in on google – he had to know she would be okay, he had to know she wasn't too badly underweight. _

"_12.8." She muttered, not knowing what Finn was doing as he typed quicker than he ever had before. He shook his head, noting that the BMI for underweight was 18.5; his girlfriend was tiny. He let a few tears fall down his face, quickly wiping them away as he tried to speak, _

"_How could you let it get this far?"_

_He could hear her crying on the other end of the phone, "I don't know.." _

"_Does anyone else know?"_

"_N-no.. just you. Will you tell everyone? I won't be allowed any visitors for a while.. not until I gain weight. When I do, I will phone you straight away, if that's okay?" _

"_Of course it is okay." _

"_I have to go now, I love you Finn." _

"_Love you too.. I miss you." _

"_I miss you too, bye." She hung up and Finn dropped the phone to the floor, looking around his bedroom as he wondered what the hell had been going on with his girlfriend. _

"She didn't say much, she was so tired by the sounds of it.. so weak." He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed as he tried to think about what happened to her.

"She's going to be okay." Quinn whispered, trying to reassure herself and those around her.

"I really do hope so."

~ .. ~

Kurt sat down on the rock where he and Rachel met every single morning, she still hadn't turned up and he had been waiting for over an hour. He sighed and looked at his watch, knowing the girl never missed these runs, so something must have happened. She never phoned him last night, either, and he was confused about what happened, if he had done anything wrong.

He looked up and around, deciding she wouldn't be here soon, so he made his way home instead. "Did you have a nice run?" He looked at his dad and nodded, making his way up the stairs, in no mood for a conversation.

"What's wrong?" He walked up behind him, putting his hand on his shoulder as he shook his head. "I don't feel too good, need to lay down." He nodded and sighed before giving up and walking off, leaving Kurt to go to his bedroom.

He lays down and looks at his ceiling, thinking about the possible reasons why she wouldn't turn up. He would have known if something happened to her, he was sure she would have told him or at least Finn.

He closes his eyes and wakes up a few hours later, to someone walking into his bedroom. "Kurt?" He slides into the room and looks at his step-brother, "Can you come downstairs for just a moment? I was going to speak to you in private but Burt and my mom have a right to hear what I have to say."

Kurt nodded and followed the boy downstairs, his heart beating too fast as he tried to think about something that could make Finn so serious, and so quiet. He sat down with the two adults and with Finn, watching the boy as he took a deep breath.

"Rachel phoned me last night." Finn spoke after a lingering silence, Kurt looked up at him, wondering why she hadn't phoned him too, wrinkling his nose to make sure it didn't look like he was hurt, he shrugged and sighed,

"And?"

"She's in hospital." He looked up instantly, suddenly getting dizzy. He thought about how he could never do this without her, how could she let herself be caught? How could she let herself get put into hospital? Now she's gone, and he has nobody. He was angry at her, at himself and at her fathers. He hated her for doing this to him.

He looked up at Finn with tears in his eyes, and then quickly looked away. Finn took a deep breath and carried on, "She's been diagnosed with anorexia." It was obvious he was trying to be strong, his heart breaking with every single word he spoke.

"I knew it." Carole muttered mostly to herself as she shook her head and then looked back down at the ground, "I should have done something to help her, I knew what was happening.. I should have been able to help her before it got this far."

"I knew about it, Carole.. I didn't do anything either." Kurt looked downa t the floor, ashamed of himself – his mother was right, it had all gone too far and he was the one who had helped her make herself sicker. He could only wish he had protected her.

"You knew?" He looked up at Finn and sighed,

"She pushed everyone else away, I made her tell me what was wrong. I thought it was my fault because I helped her with an exercise and diet plan." A tear fell down his face, he didn't make a move to wipe it away,

"Blaine saw you both running yesterday, and then just two hours after that, she was diagnosed with Anorexia." Finn looked at the other boy, shaking his head, absolutely disgusted with him.

"I didn't mean to."

"You saw how underweight she was! She looks terrible.. she looks as though she could break at any second and you let her go for runs with you?"

Kurt shakes his head and whispers, "I don't know.."

"You were with her yesterday? You said you went on your own, we told you that Rachel needed a break." Kurt looked up at his father and nodded, hanging his head in shame.

"I'm sorry.. I didn't notice her pain and I don't know why. I guess I didn't want to." Carole got up and wrapped her arms around the boy, the lies came so easily to him because he did know about all the pain the girl was feeling, he was one of the reasons behind it all. He buried his face into her warm body and started to cry, wondering why he had let Rachel do this to herself.

He jumped when he heard the door slam hard, and Finn was gone. Rachel was gone, he had nobody left. He didn't need anyone though, because as far as he was concerned, everyone forgot about him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "Have you ever wanted to wake up in hospital and hear the words 'she's not going to make it'?" ~**

"Okay Rachel, do you know how this is going to work?" Rachel shook her head and stared at the Doctor in front of her. He smiled a little and then pushed back on his chair, looking at the girl who was laying in the hospital bed after being checked over once more.

"First of all, we need to make sure you start eating. I'm going to tell you straight up, you are severely underweight and one of our main focuses at the moment is going to be getting you back up to a healthy weight. You weigh seventy pounds at the moment, do you know what the healthy weight for your height is?" She shook her head again and bit her lip,

"Okay, well we're looking at one hundred and seventeen pounds to be right on the healthy line."

"N-no.. I can't.. I can't gain it all back." She spoke up for the first time since she got to the hospital, shaking her head and letting tears fall down her face, she wiped them away quickly and looked at him,

"Rachel, we need to work on your weight first, you won't get there straight away but I promise it will get easier. The moment your weight starts going up, we will focus more on psychological side of thins." She stared at him, silently crying, "Once we know where this began, we can start working on changing the way your mind works." She nodded and heaved a deep sigh,

"What's going to happen while I'm here? You know.. food wise.."

"Well, at first, we are going to give you small meals which you can eat from your bed. The meals will eventually increase in size and calorific value, if you find the meals too hard to consume, you will be given the same amount in liquid form."

"And what happens if I refuse?"

"You will be put on a feeding tube after three warnings." She nodded slowly and looked around the room, asking him what would happen beyond that,

"When you find them not so difficult to eat, as you do now, you will be put in the meal room with others. Basically, you will all eat together, proper meals that are based to help you gain weight until you are out of the danger zone."

She nodded again, "Do I get visitors?"

"Not for a while, and family members can come but not so often."

"What about my boyfriend? If he came with my dads?" She bit down on her lip as he shook his head,

"I am afraid that privileges like that only come with gaining weight."

"What about phone calls?"

"You can have one a week." She pulled her knees to her chest, tears falling quicker, shaking her head when he asked if she had any more questions. Standing up slowly, trying to fight the dizziness as she followed him out, as he explained to her that he would take her to the room she will be staying in for her stay.

She sat on her bed once they got to her room, and looked around the room – there was nothing much there. There was a big window with blinds for privacy, a small bed, a chest of drawers and a large cupboard. She sighed, this would be her home for the next few months, or longer.

She lay back on the bed, she didn't think she could do this, it was all too much, it was all too hard. "Hey darling." Rachel looked up at her dads as they walked into the room, smiling at her as she sat up a little. She watched them walk over to her and play with her hair, before each of them placing a kiss on either side of her head.

"The Doctor thinks it's best if we don't visit for the next few days." Rachel sighed and then bit her lip, nodding slowly,

"Dad.. daddy, I'm scared.. please don't leave me." She didn't care about how weak she sounded, she wanted her dads to stay and tell her everything would be okay, that it would all work out. They wrapped their arms around their daughter, tears dropping from their faces as they held her tight.

"We have to go, this is for your own good. We promise it will work out soon, we will come and see you in a few days to let you settle in.. and then we will visit as often as we can." Rachel nodded, watching them both as they blew her a kiss before walking out.

"Daddy! Dad!" She watched the broken men turn around, looking at her, "I'm really sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, our beautiful star. We have to go now, but we'll bring Finn with us soon, we'll pretend he's your brother or something." Rachel laughed a little and smiled at the thought, thanking them both.

"We love you." They both whispered, turning back around, shutting the door behind them,

"I love you too." Rachel muttered to herself, laying back down on her bed. She closed her eyes and wondered what Finn was doing right now. She wondered if he told Kurt yet, what was Kurt thinking about if he knew? She closed her eyes tightly, hearing a constant beep in the room next to her, someone was dying and it could be her one day. She sighed, and stopped the tears falling down, "I don't want to die, please don't let me die." She whispered as she fell into a deep sleep.

_One week later; _

Rachel:

I wake up shaking and sweating, I cling to the covers around me and pull them up further. I wipe away the tears falling down my face and try and close my eyes to forget it all. It's been one whole week and I'm not settling in. I look around the empty, lonely room and try to forget the nightmare that is my life. Sighing, I curl up in a tight ball and try to think of good things, and Finn comes to mind. I close my eyes, picturing him in my head, he is the one who will get me through this. He will make sure I am okay. I tighten my grip on the covers, trying to stop myself from shaking, trying to make the constant, numbing cold go away.

A whole week in this place, I hadn't left my bedroom, I couldn't. I was too scared to meet people who were the same as me, it was different with Kurt, he was different in a way. We both had an eating disorder, we both felt the same but we had different ways of dealing with it. It would be easier to be around him than those exactly the same as me, I don't like the thought of others knowing how I think, they were like me and that scared me more than anything. I shook the thought off, I didn't have to go with them until I was ready, and I probably would never be ready.

"Are you going to eat today, Rachel?" The nurse says as she walks in with the breakfast tray, I sit up and just shrug, trying to hide my pain from her.

"Don't feel like it." She tutted and then walked back out, leaving the tray in the room. I sigh and look at the food on it, tempted to binge – nobody loves me. Shelby refuses to come see me while I'm in here, not that dad or daddy would admit it to me, they insist she's too busy with work. I would have believed them if the person who is supposed to be my mother would answer my calls, if she called me or just left a message. But I had nothing, I meant nothing to her.

I stared at the butter dripping off the now cold toast, the sugar filled cereal with the fattening milk. I looked at the small bowl of fruit they gave me; chopped up apples, sliced banana, ten grapes and some kiwi. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let myself eat because then everyone would win and I would lose. I wouldn't be able to stop, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I went up to the tray and picked it up for a second, before chucking it against the wall with all the strength I had. I smiled, watching it drip down the walls, smiling when some Doctors and Nurses came running in to see what the loud noise was.

"Go get Doctor Winters now." I hear one of them shout, she was my Doctor, she thought she could help me but I never listened to her. She was pretty but there was something strange about her, something which told me she was hurting too. Maybe not in the same way but there was some pain there.

"Rachel." I hear her voice after a long silence, as I get into bed, I mutter a 'what' but I don't bother looking at her. "You need to eat." I shook my head,

"I don't need to, you want me to."

"I do want you to, yes.. but I also need you to. You're doing yourself more damage than good, Rachel." I shrugged, "Do you know what will happen if you carry on?" I shake my head, biting my lip, "We will be putting you on a feeding tube."

I look down and shake my head, crying, "We don't want to do that, but we can and we will." She carried on, I just shook my head again and kept my head down. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to that, I didn't want to be put on a tube but I know I couldn't do anything about it if I were put on one. I just didn't want to be fat again, I sighed and wiped the tears from my eyes, looking up to examine her face. She seemed like she cared, but she still kept the distance between us. She looked sad, yet content. She was happy with her job, that much was clear, but she was sad. I shook the thoughts off, I didn't need to get involved with someone who was trying to make me fat.

"Come on, we have to start working on some psychological factors." I nodded and slowly got off my bed, walking slowly after her, ignoring her question about getting a wheelchair for me as I followed her down the hall. We entered a room down the hall, I went in after her and looked around – it was different from my bedroom, bigger for one. There was a large mirror on one wall, another wall had a large notepad on it. I wondered what it was for, instead just shrugging and looking at the exercise equipment on the other side of the room.

"I need you to step on the scales, Rachel." Dr Winters said, pulling me from my thoughts, I nod and go to step on them as I usually did but she shook her head, turning me around. "Backwards." I go to question her but I can't find the energy to even care, stepping on them backwards.

I stare at her face as she reads the numbers, I wonder what they say before she tells me to step off. I walk around the room, burning extra calories without her even knowing. "What do you normally eat?" She suddenly says, I look at her and shrug,

"I don't know.."

"Think." I sigh and shrug again, "It's different every day." She nods, telling me to expand, "An apple for breakfast, nothing for lunch or maybe a cracker and then some salad or fruit for dinner."

"And what is your ideal weight?" I think for a moment, "Seventy pounds, I guess."

She nods and writes this down, I look at her, "You weigh less than that." I shake my head and look around the room, pacing, "You should be at one hundred and seventeen at your height." I laugh and turn to face her, catching my reflection in the mirror I had been trying to avoid. "No, you won't make me gain everything I've lost. There is no way." I hissed at her, I was not going to get fat again, nothing she could say or do was going to change that.

"You will not get fat, Rachel." She walked over to me but I shook my head, stepping back,

"Look.. we're different. You can eat without getting fat.. I can't. If I eat, I get fat. End of story." I let a tear fall down my face as I think about it. I wish I could eat, I wish I was thin.

"Come over here." She started walk towards the notepad I had noticed earlier, "I want you to write down everything you feel." She hands me a pen and I look at her, confused, "I will be over here.. write what you want." I nod and take the pen in my shaking head. I look at the paper and think for a moment, when I start to write that first word, I just can't stop.

All those feelings wash over me, and tell me that I am worthless and stupid. I don't know why I'm actually writing down the truth, I don't want her to know how I really feel but I don't want to let her down either. I don't want her to think I'm stupid, I step back when I am done and look at all the words.

"Well done."

"Why did I have to do that?"

"I have to know how you feel sometimes, Rachel. If I understand that, then maybe I can start to understand why you do this to yourself." I nod slightly,

"I guess that makes sense."

"Now, just one more thing and then you can go. I want you to look in the mirror and tell me what you see." I shake my head, that task is too much, it's alright writing stuff you think but when you see it.. it hurts.

"Don't make me look in there." I whisper, refusing to look at the huge mirror, I don't want to see how fat I am, I can't handle it.

"It's okay Rachel, we're going to work on the image you see. Trust me." I nod and start to shake, walking towards the mirror. I see myself there and the shaking gets worse, as Dr Winters just kindly smiles at me. "Now, tell me what you're seeing."

"I-I don't know.. fat thighs... a bulging stomach." I go through everything that is wrong with me, everything I can't change about myself no matter what I do. I just shake my head when I finish, tears pouring down my face,

"In the mind of anorexics, the mirror changes.. have you ever seen one of those mirrors that distorts your image?" I nod and then look at her, trying to turn away from the mirror but she turns me back, "That is what your mind is doing to you. It's changing how you see things and we have to work on changing it back to the way you used to see yourself. We have to make sure you see the truth."

I look at her confused, "So you're saying... that what I'm seeing right now.. it isn't real?"

"To you it is, but it's not the truth. It's not what you really like." I nod and then look down, I feel so tired and I haven't really done anything. She smiles at me and puts a hand on my shoulder, "Let's get you back to your room." I nod, following her out of the room, keeping my head down to make sure I don't see anyone, make sure I'm not noticed by anyone else. I don't want to get to know anyone else here, it would be too hard if something happened.

I say goodbye to her when she leaves my room and I climb into the comfort of my bed. I look up at the ceiling and try to think about what life would be like without this thing holding me back. I close my eyes and try to think about something that could make me happy.

~ .. ~

"She is still refusing to eat, Mr Berry." Rachel sits inside her bedroom, listening to her dads argue with the Doctors outside. They won't let them do this to her, she shakes her head and tries to think to herself for a while as she hears the two men shouting, telling them how they don't want this to happen to their daughter. She sits on the edge of her bed, staring down at the food splattered on the floor. She smiles to herself as she thinks about all the control she has, not a bit of food has passed her lips. She's proud.

"Rachel.." She snaps her head up when she hears her dad's voice, smiling at him and hugging him tight when he puts his arms around her. She notices her daddy looking away as he stays on the other side of the room, biting his lip, and she can tell they've both been fighting. "You have to start eating." He whispers into her ear, frowning,

"I know.. I can't.. let me come home with you." She whispers, "I will be okay there, I can't stay here any longer. I'm not strong enough." She admits, but her dad just shakes his head and looks down at the ground.

"You have to stay here for your own good." Rachel shakes her head, laying bac on her bed,

"I'm not going to eat, they are all wasting their time and you are wasting your money."

"Then they will put a feeding tube in you, is that what you really want?" Her daddy speaks up for the first time since they arrived in the room, as he slams his hand down on her chest of drawers, watching his daughter jump before she went back to her usual unemotional face. Rachel turns to the other side of the room, hearing them both pull up chairs.

The door opens again and she hears her dad thank someone before the door closes again, so she turns around and sees the tray of food, she laughs and shakes her head, "No fucking way." She turns back to the other side, turning around when her dad doesn't answer. She finds him sitting there, staring at the food, tears falling down his face and it is in that one moment she realizes how much she has hurt the two men she loves so much.

She shakes her head, "I'm sorry.. if I could stop how I feel, I would."

"It's not your fault, honey.. you're just.. I wish you would try." Rachel nods, wishing she was strong enough to try, but she just couldn't do it anymore.

"If you don't eat.. your phone privileges will be taken away."

"I have nobody to phone." Rachel says, accepting the challenge they are giving her,

"Finn? Kurt?" She shakes her head again, telling them that she doesn't need to phone them, trying to sound like she doesn't care when the truth is, she cares too much. She loves her phone conversations with Finn, she loves hearing his voice but if she had to accept it as one more punishment, then she was willing. She hears her dad sigh and her daddy mutter something as she watches them both leave, the door slamming.

"Daddy! Dad! No! Please don't let them do this! Help me, daddy... dad!" She screams, there are three nurses and two doctors – one of them being Doctor Winters. She cries out in fear and panic as they pin her down, not wanting them to do this to her. She shakes her head, screaming when they try to stick the tube up her nose, not letting them win. She watches her dad cry in the corner, but her daddy has left. She screams once more, kicking before she feels a needle pierce her arm. She watches Doctor Winters as the woman smiles a little, pushing the hair back from her face, soothing her as the darkness takes over.

When she woke up a few hours later, she felt for the tube up her nose – it was there. She was tempted to rip it out, and she wanted to do it so badly but she saw the person asleep on the bed. She looked at him and then moved her hand which he had placed in hers when she was asleep. He jumped up and smiled when he saw that she was awake.

"I love you." He whispers, and she nods. She can't speak, it hurt too much. She wants to die, but she wants so much to live. She wants to be thin but she wants to be happy. She wants to eat but she wants to be in control. She wants to be normal, but she's everything but that. She always wanted what she can't have. She started to shake, out of panic and fear, at the realization that all her control was gone and she wasn't sure how to get it back.

And then she feels it, his arms wrap around her and she looks up at him, calming a little as she looks into his eyes, "It will be okay, I promise you." He promises, and she believes him for a moment. "I will always be here, I will never leave you. You will get better and we are going to be so happy together, forever." She stares into his dreamy eyes, and squeezes his hand. She loved him so much, she wants to get better for him. For Finn.

"I'm going to help you through this. I am going to be here every step of the way, I will always be just a phone call away." He said, and she nods and closes her eyes again. She was to tired, she feels him grip her hand tighter and then nothing. She returns back to her lonely world again, and she was back to that familiar feeling.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "I don't want to be the fat one no more." ~**

"Kurt, will you eat the breakfast or not?" His step-mom sounded impatient but for once he didn't care, he just sat there and shook his head, he had been the same since he had found out about Rachel. He had been like this since he realized all of this was his fault. He couldn't eat, he wouldn't do anything. He wanted Rachel back, he wanted her to be okay and he needed to know it wasn't his fault.

He looked up at Carole and saw the tears in the woman's eyes, "I don't want you to end up like Rachel.. I know you blame yourself but people with Eating Disorders are different. You couldn't have stopped her going for a run, she would have gone without you. It's better she was with you, if something happened, you would have been there to help her." Kurt nodded and looked down at his plate she had placed in front of him and he knew he couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't him. This whole thing wasn't him.

Rachel would have told him to stop forcing Anorexia on himself; she always believed everyone were who they were, she had always told Kurt that he wanted to be anorexic too much. He silently agreed with her as he picked up his fork, watching Carole smile and wrap her arms around her step-son. "Thank you." She whispered in his ear,

"No, thank you." He had needed to hear it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could have gone. He couldn't handle the guilt any longer. When he was done, he smiled at his parents and made his way to his bedroom, he knew what he had to do, he knew that this was the person he was. He ran to the bathroom and smiled to himself – this was the only way he felt something good. He hadn't felt like he had any control for the past week and it needed to stop.

He grinned when he was done, flushing the toilet. It felt so good, it felt so much better than starving himself. He stared at his reflection, trying to smile. And then a sharp pain ran through his body, and he grabbed his stomach, trying his best not to scream in pain.

He stood up straight when it passed, coughing – he covered his mouth with his hand, staring at his hand when he pulled it away only to see it covered in blood. He stared at his shaking hands, at the dark red blood dripping off them. His head shook in fear and shock and then looked in the mirror once more.

Tears fell down his face, he knew this would happen, he knew he wouldn't be able to carry on without some side-effects in the end. He shook his head and washed his hands, ignoring the tears before taking one last look in the mirror before walking away. Sitting down on his bed, he tried his best to think straight. He tried to think about how hard things were, how ill he would be and all the damage he was doing. He shook his head and thought about all the weight he had lost, how he couldn't give up now.

He lay down on his bed and thought about Rachel, he wondered what his best friend was doing right now or if she felt okay. Kurt had thought that Rachel was the only sick one out of the two, but he was wrong. And at the same time, he was jealous of her, not because she was in hospital, but because she was sick enough for people to be concerned.

He didn't want people to know he was sick, but he didn't want them thinking Rachel was the only one. He didn't want to through recovery but at the same time, he did. He sighed loudly and turned on his side, closing his eyes and thinking about how Rachel must feel right now.

He buried his head into the pillow to muffle his scream – everything was so hard, it wasn't fair. He just wanted to be thin, why couldn't he be thin enough? He didn't want to be the fat one anymore – Rachel was so tiny. She was too think and she was in hospital because of it. He couldn't help but feel like the odd one out, he was the fat one. He wanted to be thin, he hated being the fat one.

~ .. ~

Rachel looked around the table and watched everyone else eat; she didn't stare at them for much longer, she didn't want them to think she was judging them. She looked down at the bread in front of her and sighed, she had been taken off the tube a week ago, after being on it for two weeks. She had been stuck here for over a month, and nothing was getting any easier.

She was okay though, she was doing well. Better than she thought she would have been. She was able to eat in her own room but it was hard eating in front of others, and this was her first day doing so. She was shaking with fear, wondering what they would think of her, just waiting for someone to say she was too fat to be here with them.

She looked at them when she had walked in, none of them looked up at her though, they were too busy staring at their food in disgust. One of them had been crying and screaming, it was her first day there as well – Rachel could tell. There were some girls who ate their food quickly, who Rachel assumed were just like Kurt and waiting for a chance to throw it up.

Rachel bit down on her lip when she thought about doing the same but she didn't want to give up yet, she didn't want to fall. She smiled at Doctor Winters when she left her side, nodding and watching the Doctor walk away before standing in the corner to see how she was coping. Rachel smiled up at the girl across from her and she smiled back, she wondered if they were judging her right now.

He knew they must have been thinking about her for a while because she had been thinking about them. She was watching everyone look down at the food on their plates, their faces changing when they added up the calories and fat in their heads. She watched them while she was doing exactly the same thing. She shook her head and started to nibble on the sandwich in front of her, picking at it piece by piece.

She could feel her body shaking, thinking about people watching her as she ate. She turned around and pleaded with Doctor Winters to take her back to her room but the woman shook her head and pointed at the plate of food. Rachel sighed and held back the tears that threatened to fall down her face – she didn't want to be weak, she couldn't let herself give up.

She followed everyone else when they walked out of the room, and she smiled at Doctor Winters, "I am so proud of you." She whispered, putting a hand on Rachel's back, smiling wide as Rachel nodded and walked with her. "We will do this once a day, and for the other two meals and snacks, you can stay in your room as usual. Then this will increase when you become more comfortable."

"Fair enough." Rachel bit her lip and silently thanked the woman.

"I have to leave you here, I will be back later for the session." Rachel nodded and walked into her room, she was starting to like the sessions, they spoke a lot and about how she felt and what she thought. She would look at her reflection and talk about what she saw and why she could be seeing that.

They walked about when she had been laying there for two weeks and how terrible she had felt. Rachel told her how she wanted to die so badly then, how she could only think of the weight she was going to gain and how much she wanted to scream when the numbers went up on the scale, and the Doctors nodded in approval as they wrote it down. She had cried herself to sleep every night.

But slowly, very slowly, her mind began to change, she began to realize that gaining weight wasn't such a bad, horrible thing. It was becoming a good thing, she looked around the bedroom and how to spend the next few hours alone, once more. She thought about how it would feel like to recover, how it would feel like to be that person she was last year. It seemed impossible at the moment, but she knew that she could do it.

"Rachel, you have a visitor." Sandra, a nurse walked into the room,

"I wasn't expecting anyone, though.."

"Come on, I'll take you to the visitors room." Rachel followed the woman, biting her lip in fear, "Who is it?"

"A boy." The nurse shrugged and opened the door when they finally reached it, Rachel murmured a thank you and walked in to see Kurt sitting on a seat. She grinned wide and wrapped her arms around him when he stood up and ran to her. "I missed you so much." She whispered, trying not to cry.

"I missed you as well." He smiled, both of them pulling away from each other to sit down. Rachel looked around the room, trying to think what to say. Kurt lost weight but Rachel didn't want to say anything about that, she knows more than anyone what it's like when someone tells you something you want to hear.

"How are you?" Kurt finally asked, breaking the awkward silence,

"I'm fine, it's hard in here but it's getting better. How about you?"

"I'm great! I've lost weight and I'm doing good with everything, it's hard without you though." Rachel nodded and bit her lip,

"I noticed you lost some."

"Well, it's been over a month." Rachel sighed and stood up, pacing back and forth. She finally looked out the window, wrapping her arms around herself, "I wanted to come and see you but Finn said something about you not being able to see anyone else."

"Yeah, only family for a while. My dads told them that Finn is my brother." Kurt laughed and nodded,

"I'm glad he's okay with everything." He smiled, and Rachel clenched her fists in a sudden burst of anger,

"He is not okay with everything." She said through gritted teeth, "Nobody is okay with it except you, Finn is hurting and it is all my fault."

Kurt shook his head, tears stinging his eyes, "I didn't mean it like that.. I-I meant.. he's still with you.. I meant to say.. it's good he's helping.." Rachel nodded and unclenched her first, muttering an apology before turning to look at him.

"How are you and Blaine?"

"Okay, I guess.. I think he's catching on but he hasn't said anything."

"How often do you purge?"

"More often than before.. I can't seem to keep a thing down these days." Rachel nodded and stared at the floor, "How is recovery?"

"Fine." Rachel didn't want to tell him much, she didn't want him thinking she was weaker than him. She didn't want him to realize how much she was hurting, and how the month away from Kurt had made her realize how much damage they were doing to each other, how much pain they caused on each other.

"I'm glad you're recovering, you deserve it."

"You deserve it, too." He just shook his head and Rachel felt that anger bubbling up inside her once more, "What? Is Kurt Hummel too good to recover?"

"No.. I don't want it enough, that's all." Rachel sighed and turned to stare at the door, willing someone to walk in and take her back to her room. "I should go." Kurt whispered, getting up when Rachel just nodded, her eyes not leaving the door. "When do you get out of here?"

"A fortnight or so, when I reach one hundred pounds, and then I'll be an out-patient until I reach one hundred and twenty."

"What do you weigh now?"

"Why?" I snapped, feeling defensive,

"I was just wondering.. what's happening to us Rachel? You used to tell me everything."

"Ninety pounds."

"Not long then..." Rachel just nodded and watch him walk away, turning around to look at her before sighing sadly and walking back out. Rachel sighed in relief, glad it was over. She never wanted to lose Kurt as a friend but she wanted to lose him as an influence. She started to shake, realizing she was missing 'snack time', she sighed and walked out of the room to go back to her own room that she was meant to call home while she stayed here.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "I should have kept my mouth shut." ~**

"Finally, I am out of there!" Rachel walked out of the large building and grinned at her boyfriend. He was waiting for her outside, ready to take her home as her fathers were both in work. He hugged her tight and smiled wide, "You look really good, Rachel."

She smiled and nodded, "I think I look a lot better than the last time you saw me."

"How are you today?" He asked, walking down the street with her, keeping an arm wrapped around her waist as they walked slowly. She grinned and shrugged, replying with a simple okay before she looked up at him.

"Have you spoken to Kurt much?" He shook his head and she looked down at the floor, "He came to see me two weeks ago and I don't know why but I was cold to him.."

Finn shook his head and kissed her forehead, frowning, "I can take you back to mine and you can see him, if you want?"

"He needs help, Finn.." She whispered, closing her eyes tight,

"Why?"

"He has bulimia and I don't know what to do. When he came to see me, I asked him to recover but he won't. He told me it's gotten worse and I am so worried about him." It all came out at top speed, as though she had been waiting for so long to tell someone else. Finn could only shake his head in disbelief, seeing the worry in Rachel's eyes.

"Maybe we can talk to him."

"No please.. you can't. He will hate me if he finds out I told someone else." He sighed and nodded, knowing she needed people around him who she could trust right now, and as much as he loved his step-brother, he would have to keep his mouth shut for now.

"Promise me?" He promised her, already hatching a plan in his mind as they continued walking. He never wanted to betray her trust, he knew she relied on it right now, but he also knew she would understand because Kurt needed help.

~ .. ~

"Burt, can I talk to you for a second?" He looked at his step-father and bit his lip, his head shook as he tried to think of the right words to say. "This is hard to say.." He trailed off and stared at the man who had been so loyal to him since he met his mother a while ago.

"Rachel got out of hospital today, she told me something when we were walking home." The man just nodded, obviously knowing I had to get all this out, "She told me Kurt has bulimia, she asked me not to tell anyone but I thought it best if you knew."

He finally looked up at the man, at the tears in his eyes as he shook his head, "I should have known." He whispered, but Finn shook his head, knowing there were two other people in this house who could have noticed, one of which being himself.

"He hid it from all of us.. none of us had any idea." He nodded and sighed,

"Thank you for telling me, son.. thank you." He nodded, knowing the man wanted to be alone so he walked out of the shop without another word, walking towards the house. He couldn't believe he had just done that, but he needed his brother to get help. He closed his eyes and thought about Rachel, how much she was going to hate him for this but it had to work out in the end. They would both be fine, and he could imagine them all going back to the way things were before.

He walked down the street slowly, biting his lip as he thought about how he could lose the girl of his dreams thanks to his own mistake, whispering to himself, "I should have kept my mouth shut."

~ .. ~

_Kurt_

"Hey dad, Carole." I smiled at them as I walked through the door, they were sitting there on the dining table, both of them looking as though they had been crying. "What's going on? Has something happened?"

"We need to speak to you." I sighed and walked into the dining area, sitting down with them, I look at them both, waiting for one of them to speak. "We were told something today." I rolled my eyes,

"Can we get to the point already?" I was already irritated, I needed to go upstairs and purge before all the calories stayed inside me from the meal I had just had.

"Do you have an eating disorder?" Dad finally asked me, rubbing Carole's back as she tried to calm herself down. I shook my head, shocked at the question.

"Do you make yourself throw up, Kurt?" She burst out in tears again and my dad tried to keep his calm,

"No.. who told you that?" Rachel got out of hospital today, maybe she told them, I shook my head at the thought, she would never betray me like that. "Who?"

"Does it matter who it was? Is it true?"

"Of course it isn't!" I shouted as I stood up, I was going to kill Rachel if this was all her doing, I was not going to get caught now, not after all this time. "I wouldn't do that, dad.. Carole. I wouldn't." I whispered,

"I tried it once.. when Rachel was here.. she showed me how." I said, wanting to turn them both against Rachel so they would never believe anything she ever said to them again. They both stared in disbelief and shook their heads,

"She showed you how?" They looked at each other, and I saw the anger in my dad's eyes, I nodded and looked down at the table,

"I didn't like it.. I tried it and I couldn't do it and when something came up, I felt horrible. I have never tried it since." I took a deep breath, "If Rachel told you this, you can't believe her. When I went to see her, we had an argument. I told her she had to get better or I couldn't do this anymore. This is her way of getting back at me." I rushed out the lies, I'm not going to let her win. She wanted me to recover but I can't and I won't.

"Do you promise?" I nodded and reached over to grab both their hands, "I wouldn't be able to do that to you, either of you." They seemed to believe me as they both nodded,

"I think you should stay away from Rachel from now on."

"With pleasure. I don't like people who spread lies because of an argument." I smiled at them both and went to grab kitchen, "What's for dinner?" I tried to sound as normal as possible,

"Takeaway?" I nodded and smiled at them both, "Alright, I'll take a night off my diet for one night as long as it's pizza!" They both laughed and I walked up the stairs slowly, muttering something about homework to do.

I ran up the stairs and shut my bedroom door, sliding against it as tears soared down my face. I can't believe what she had done to me, I can't believe she would break the trust after all this time. What did I do to her? I brought my knees to my chest and cried harder, I hate her so much. I thought she was my best friend but she betrayed me. All those times she told me she wouldn't do this, all those times she told me she was my best friend and nothing could break us... she lied; _I hope she chokes on every single lie she told me. _

~ .. ~

Rachel ran up to Kurt, smiling as she called his name but he carried on walking, not even looking at her. She grabbed his arm, "What's wrong?"

Kurt laughed and shook his head, "Go away, Rachel. I don't want to be your friend anymore." He started to walk off again but she grabbed his arm again, 

"W-why?" Rachel sounded so weak, as though she was about to cry.

"Because you told, Rachel." She flinched at the venom in his voice, and let go of him as he walked away. She let the tears fall down her face, watching him walk off. She shook her head, waiting for him to come back but he never did. She felt like she was standing there for hours, just watching the boy fade from view, not taking her eyes off him in the hopes he would turn around.

"Rachel." Finn whispered, and she looked to her side to see him standing there, rubbing her lower back softly as he frowned.

"He's gone.." She whispered, watching his face as he wrapped both of his arms around her,

"I'm still here, though." He tilted her chin up when she smiled at him, leaning in to kiss her softly and she welcomed his lips. She grinned when they pulled away and wrapped both her arms tight around him. "He's angry, but he will get over it." She nodded and pulled him closer to her, feeling safer than she had felt in a long time.

He kissed her gently on the forehead and she looked up, smiling at him, both of them kissing once more. "I love you so much." He said as he pulled away, walking as he held her hand tight.

"I love you too." For the first time in a long time, everything felt so right. For once, she felt as though she had a reason to live and that reason was Finn Hudson. He grabbed her other hand as they both walked, and she suddenly felt very shy.

"You are beautiful, you know that?" He whispered into her ear as they stopped walking. She looked down at the ground and bit her lip, feeling a dark blush creeping on her cheeks. He put a hand on her cheek and laughed, "You really are."

"Thank you." She knew he could tell that she didn't truly believe him, but she wanted him to think she was okay. She wanted him to believe she was better, when the truth was, she wanted to disappear. He sighed and squeezed her hand as they continued walking – she loved these moments, where they didn't have to say a word to each other but the silence wasn't awkward at all, just a thoughtful silence. They could both think and they both knew what the other was thinking, there was no need for pointless, small talk.

It wasn't until later that week that Kurt and Rachel saw each other again, Rachel couldn't stand the look of pure hate in the boy's eyes. She hadn't been ready to go back to school yet, it was at a party she saw him. She gripped Finn's hand tighter when she saw Kurt dancing on the beach with Blaine and some others from Glee club, and she hoped he wouldn't say anything to her because she was sure they won't let him.

It wasn't long before everyone was drunk, and everyone was dancing. Rachel sat on the edge, on her own. She stared at everyone laughing, joking around and she thought about drinking but she knew how out of control her mouth goes when she goes have a drink; she didn't want any arguments tonight.

It was hours into the party that she finally gained the courage to go up to Kurt, she needed to speak to him, she had to ask him why. She wanted to know it wasn't the end of their friendship, she needed to know it was okay. She slowly walked up to him and he turned to stare at her, she knew he was drunk when he turned away to get away from her but she grabbed his arm quickly.

"Don't I mean anything to you anymore?"

"No, you're dead to me." He really did hate her, she realized as she shook her head,

"We were best friends once.. don't you remember?" He shook his head, glaring at her,

"Back when I thought I could trust you?"

"I didn't mean to.. I thought I was helping you.. I thought... I wanted you to be okay again."

"I won't ever, ever, ever recover!" Rachel felt a tear fall down his face as Kurt started to walk off, and she quickly followed him, "I hate you!" He screamed, causing Rachel to stop suddenly. "Go away." He turned around once more, but not before Rachel stared into his eyes; they had darkened over and full of so much hate.

"I thought you were my friend... I just wanted to help you." Her voice lowered, and her whole body was shaking. She didn't want to be like this, she didn't want their friendship to end this way. She started to run after her but Quinn grabbed her quickly,

"Don't Rachel, he doesn't want any of us." Rachel nodded, sobbing, not resisting when Quinn pulled her into a hug, sobbing into her shoulder as Kurt walked away. She held onto Quinn as tight as she could, crying harder when she thought about how she wanted to be invisible, she wanted to be free of this pain.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "A million tears won't bring you back, I know because I've cried." ~**

"Kurt has been taken to the hospital." Rachel snapped her head up at the Glee club in front of her, she looked towards Blaine – at his red eyes, and his pale complexion, the drained look he had, completely defeated. Finn bit his lip and put a hand on her shoulder, sighing,

"He collapsed in the early hours of the morning, I promised our parents I'd be back there soon – do you want to come with me?" Rachel nodded slowly, looking at Finn before taking his hand, slowly following him out. She had a bad feeling, a feeling that something was going to happen, something bad.

Kurt had never listened to her, he never thought Rachel was right but for once, she was and it was the only time she had wished she hadn't been right. She sighed and looked out of the car window, they were driving fast, Finn was shaking with worry for his step-brother and Blaine looked as though he would collapse at any second.

They had run into the car, and Finn had started it before they had even got in and sat down. She shook her head, refusing to cry, she wouldn't let herself be weak. When they finally arrived, Blaine ran ahead as they all walked slowly behind him, the worry on everyone's faces was evident and Rachel could tell right there and then how much they all loved Kurt.

Rachel sighed, she had known about the whole thing for so long, Blaine was going to blame himself if something happened but she had known from the start and she had told, but nobody had listened. She had told and Kurt hated her.

She looked up at Finn and he wrapped his strong arms around her, telling her he loved her so much. She was numb though, they hadn't been told anything, and she stood there, biting down on her lip as she cuddled into Finn, thinking the worse. Blaine sat with his head in his hands, and the rest of the Glee club talked in hushed whispers as they all sat in the waiting room.

Rachel looked up for the first time when the doors opened, and Carole and Burt walked out with a Doctor, she stared at them through the double doors that still remained, their faces falling as they were told something. Burt wrapped his arms around his now crying wife, as tears fell down his own face and Rachel looked down for a moment.

Her heart dropped, the doctor patted the man on the back and walked away from them both, leaving them in each other's arms as they both cried. Rachel noticed them look through the double doors, catching her eye for a second before she looked away. They finally walked out, and she tried her best to stay strong, gripping onto Finn tighter.

"Kurt.." Burt took a deep, shaking breath as he tried to stop the tears, "Kurt went into cardiac arrest.. h-he.. he didn't.. he.." He just shook his head, not being able to say the words as he closed his eyes tightly. Rachel felt Finn's grip get tighter, she felt his shaking body and she heard his cries as he thought about the loss of the brother he loved so much, the one he had never wanted but ended up loving despite this.

Rachel couldn't take it, she blamed herself and now everyone knew, and everyone would hate her. "I should have told them." She whispered to Finn, but he shook his head, trying to stay calm for her sake and for his parent's sake – they hadn't really spoken since they accused him of lying, Kurt found out too and told him he hated him.

"He didn't want you to, there was nothing.. n-nothing we could have done." He shook his head, biting down on his lip hard, "You tried, baby... we both tried... but, it didn't work." He muttered, kissing the top of his head and looking over at his mom and his step-dad, not knowing what to say to the two parents he loved and appreciated so much. He was angry at them, but somehow "I told you so," or "I warned you," seemed too much, too inappropriate.

"Did you all know?" Carole whispered, not sounding her usual self – but then, who could ever blame her?

"Y-yes.. I.. I tried, you both ignored me.. I gave up after that. He talked himself out of it, I was angry and.. I felt betrayed but.. I knew he would do it again and you would believe him again."

"He promised us he would stop.." Quinn murmured, closing her eyes tight as she moved her hand to Rachel's shaking back, moving her away from Finn when she saw the anger in his eyes. Her and Rachel had become close since she was released from hospital, she was protective of the girl.

"If we could turn back time and told you, and made sure he never convinced you we were lying.. we would in a heartbeat. I wish we never believed him." Mercedes softly spoke, her own tears falling down her face as she cuddled into Sam.

"I wish we never believed him as well.." Burt said gently, regret dripping from his voice before he looked over at Rachel, who had her arms wrapped tight around Quinn, the girl whispering words of comfort in her ear as she rubbed her back. "It's not your fault, we know that.. but.. did you make him like this?"

She knew the question was aimed at her, she could feel eyes burning into her skin as she cuddled up into Quinn even more, sobbing. She knew it, she knew she would get the blame, she knew this would happen. She blamed herself.

"What do you mean?" Finn had a temper, everyone knew, Finn had a temper especially when he was upset – he used it to cover up sadness, he hated it but he was exactly like his father in that way. He was angry, he hated it, but there was no way his girlfriend was to blame for this. Rachel was terrified when he left her side, wondering if he blamed her as well. She felt like she couldn't breathe without him near her, watching him as he went up to his parents, pointing at her, "If you are implying that she caused Kurt's eating disorder, then think again. I tried to warn you but you both ignored me, I tried my best but you chose to ignore me."

Puck followed Finn and put a hand on his shoulder, "Leave it.." Rachel wanted Finn to drop it as well, she knew it was her fault, she didn't want him falling out with his family because of her.

"We have to know.." Burt's voice cracked as he spoke, trying his best to stop himself from crying as he thought about his dead son, the last piece of his wife he had left and now he was gone, too. "We have a right to know." He whispered the last bit, and they all knew how much the man was hurting.

Rachel looked at him and shook her head, she didn't want them to hate her, she loved her time over there when she was dating Finn and when she was Kurt's best friend. She loved them both so much, she didn't know what to do if they hated her.

Finn was angry, he was seeing red, it was only a moment before he would break down and she could see that but he stepped forward anyway, ignoring Puck's requests for him not to. He pointed towards Rachel, looking at her with the softest look she had ever seen, a look of pure love but she didn't want him to do this. Kurt was dead and she was alive, she was the one who survived. She was the one to blame because she was the one left behind.

"She didn't do anything, it was the other way around. The constant looks at her food, comments on her weight and then telling her about he was able to get rid of his own food. Kurt – my brother, your son – was to blame for her eating disorder, but we didn't blame him because he was sick, too. He was our friend, he was one of my best friends and we knew he couldn't help it, we knew he needed Rachel because he wanted someone to get him through it. He chose her and that hurts me but he did and we didn't blame him because he was hurting. He may not have forced Rachel to be like this but he didn't help. So don't point the finger at her, take a look at Kurt first."

Rachel looked up in shock, her heart stopping as she heard her boyfriend – the love of her life – shouting at his parents, the parents who had just lost their son. Rachel knew he was right but she also knew she wasn't innocent, she had pushed Kurt, she must have done somehow. That is why Kurt was dead and she was alive. Finn took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as he stared at his mom in front of him, knowing they didn't need to hear that, they had just lost Kurt.

"He wouldn't.." Blaine was by Rachel's side now, she looked at him, she hadn't even seen him stand up. He held her up, seeing the way she shook, she was too weak because she hadn't eaten since she found out about Kurt being in hospital.

"Oh, and Rachel would? You both know her.. you know she would never do that. They were best friends, they knew everything about each other and they helped each other. But it wasn't good helping, it didn't change anything though, both of them would have done this on their own anyway." He looked down at the floor, he understood too much, he never wanted to understand this but he did. He knew everything.

"I'm sorry.. w-we.. oh, Rachel.. we never meant to blame you." Carole shook her head, letting go of her husbands hand as she walked over to the small girl. She smiled as best she could, tears still falling as she wrapped her arms tight around the girl, "It will be okay, he loved you so much... you need to carry on recovering."

"Thank you.." It was what Rachel needed to hear but at the same time, she didn't believe it. Kurt was dead and it was her who killed her, she thought about how she should have told the first time instead of asking how he did it. She let the tears fall down her face when Finn walked over to her, tears falling down his own face as he brought her into a hug.

She wanted Kurt back, she wanted to be able to turn back time and make him stop at the very beginning. She would have told her parents, she would have accepted Kurt hating her and it would have been normal. She could live with Kurt hating her but still being alive, she wasn't sure if she could live knowing he hated her and he was dead. She couldn't handle the thought.

~ .. ~

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?" Leroy asked as he watched Rachel climb out of the car, nodding when she shook her head and closed the door. She watched him drive away and she looked up at the hospital in front of her, it was time for her weekly weigh in and counselling session. She shook her head and let a tear fall down her pale cheek before starting to walk away from the building.

It had been two whole weeks since Kurt had passed away, but it didn't seem to get better. It was the first time she had left her bedroom since the funeral. She had cried with everyone else, refused to sing with the Glee club but watched as they sang a medley just for him. She went home, locked herself in her room, and just stayed in bed, ignoring her dads. She ignored her friends, she ignored Finn. She just stayed in her bed, thinking about Kurt.

She didn't stop walking for a long time, she knew where she was going but there was no rush. She sighed, thinking about Doctor Winters, how the woman would be waiting for her to arrive but she never would, she couldn't fight anymore. She had given up on recovering, she wasn't sure it was possible for her to even think about eating after what she had done to Kurt. Nothing was possible anymore, she couldn't fight.

She sat down finally on the swings, looking in front of her as she swung gently until she thought she saw something move in the corner of her eye. She looked up and stood up quickly, walking towards it, seeing someone move in the distance but they moved too quickly for her to see them. She shook her head, trying to make sure she wasn't seeing anything and when she decided she wasn't, she moved forward. Her heart pace quickened as she saw the person run from her, she still couldn't make it out so she ran after them. And then it all became clear, closing her eyes tight to make sure the person didn't disappear before opening them again.

His hair blew in the wind, and he was smiling at her as he held out his hand. She started to walk to him, letting tears fall down her face for the first time since the funeral. She watched him carefully, scared he would leave her again. He smiled at her, and she could tell how happy he was now, she wanted to be happy too. Kurt shook his head as though he read her thoughts, fading away slowly.

"No! Kurt.. come back!" She screamed, running towards where he had been a moment again, "Come back!" She dropped to the floor, letting the tears fall down her face fully now. "Come back.." She whispered, "Please stay.. please come back." But he was gone, gone forever and she wanted him back. But he wouldn't come back now, and the only thing she could do was give up, and let herself die to be with him.

~ .. ~

It had been a few weeks since she saw him on the beach, she had been locked in her room since, terrified with the image of him fading away again. "Rachel.. Finn is here." She heard her dad on the other side of the door, and she watched her door open slowly. She didn't bother moving, and he just looked at her and shook his head – he was dealing with his own grief, she didn't want him to deal with hers too.

"How are you?" She didn't answer him, she just laid there on her bed, staring at the ceiling. He held her hand and looked up at the ceiling, "What's so interesting?" He laughed a little, trying his best to lighten the mood. She shrugged, looking at him as he squeezed her hand. She didn't cry though, she didn't want him to think she was weak.

"Your dad phoned me.. he said you haven't eaten in weeks." She shook her head and saw the worry in his eyes, his voice breaking as he spoke, "Please.. eat for me, Rachel. Please." She didn't say anything or move for a while, she didn't dare. She hated the fact he was beating himself up for this, she hated the fact her choice had been taken away from her.

She sighed when he lifted her up, walking out of the bedroom as his grip on her tightened, "You've lost weight again and you are going to your appointment tomorrow. I don't care what you say." He sounded angry but worried at the same time, she didn't bother struggling, she knew how much stronger he was than her, she couldn't put up the fight she so badly wanted to. She just put a hand on his chest, gripping his shirt tightly. He sat down and held her like a baby, but she didn't care. She was so cold, she needed to be held. She needed to be loved.

She sighed when she noticed the plate of food, and she saw both her dads on the other side of the table. She could feel her heart beating fast and her palms getting sweaty, she shook her head as she watched Finn tear a little bit of the sandwich off for her. But she shook her head, she couldn't do this, she couldn't eat, she felt tears fall down her face as he soothed her.

"It's going to be okay.. just put it in your mouth, just eat." She nodded and he put it in her mouth, she chewed slowly and it continued for an hour until the whole sandwich was gone.

"I'm so proud of you." He whispered when she was finished, and she just buried her face into his chest and sobbed. He rubbed her back as she cried, and she could feel her dads eyes on her back, both of them staring at her. Suddenly, she shook her head and got off his lap, she couldn't keep it down, she knew she couldn't.

"Where are you going?" Finn looked terrified as she started to walk towards the bathroom, her dads getting up of their seats to put their arms out to stop her but she pushed them both away with all the strength she could muster. Finn grabbed her waist and pulled her back towards him just before she could reach the door. And she lost it. She screamed, and screamed, not letting them win. She screamed that they wanted her to be fat, they wanted the pain to continue.

She struggled in his strong arms, she kicked and punched but he never let go. And then she gave up, and he picked her up once more and carried her over to the couch. She started to shake badly, thinking how she couldn't keep it inside of her, she liked being empty. "I-I need to get rid of it.. please.. don't make me keep it down." She struggled in his arms as he wrapped them tighter around her.

And then she finally pushed him off, she didn't know how but she did and she ran. She ran to the bathroom and her dads tried to stop her by blocking the entrance, "I don't wanna be fat dad, daddy.. please, I have to get rid of it all." He shook his head, both of them did but daddy soon moved away to sob. #

Rachel took the moment to run past, slamming the bathroom door and locking it. She ran to the toilet, and stuck her fingers down her throat, tears burning down her face but she didn't care. She wanted to be thin, she wanted to die.

~ .. ~

_Finn_

I sigh as I hear her throwing up in the bathroom, I don't know how much of this I can handle. I look towards her dads and they shake their heads, I look at the floor, I don't know how to help her. I try but everything I do just seems to make it so much worse. I thought she would be able to eat, and keep it down but I was so wrong. I sighed, she needed someone who knew how to help her, because I couldn't.

I let a tear fall down my face, wiping it away when the bathroom door opened and a pale Rachel stumbled out. I looked at her eyes, those brown eyes I fell in love with before they had been replaced by a dull grey. I look down at the floor, snapping my head up at her cry in pain. Her dads are by her side in a second and she's on the floor. I panic, remembering how I found Kurt like that, but when I move, I see her breathing. Her eyes are closed, she is shaking badly but she is breathing.

I pick her up and look at both her dads but they shake their heads and walk away into the other room, both of them sobbing. They find it too hard, as well. Their daughter is dying and they don't know how to help, and the truth is.. neither do I.

I lay Rachel down on her bed and smile down at her, moving her hair out of the way and wipe away a lone tear that has fallen down her face. She opens her eyes, staring at me, I shake my head gently and kiss her nose.

"Do you hate me, Finn?" She whispers weakly, I look at her in shock and shake my head, offended by the sudden question,

"I could never hate you, but I hate this thing that has consumed you.. you.. I love you." She nods at me and looks away as I climb into the bed next to her, holding her close. "I want you to fight it." I whisper in her ear but she shakes her head,

"I'm not strong enough, Kurt was."

"Kurt is dead.." Tears threaten to fall down my own face, my brother is dead..

"Why aren't I dead?" She whispered softly, and I let the tears fall down my face finally, my girlfriend is laying in my arms asking why she's alive. I don't know what to do, I love her so much but I can't stand her hurting like this. "If I hadn't let him go so far, then he would be here right now. He hated me because I told, if I hadn't told he would have spoken to me and I could have helped him and then he wouldn't be dead anymore. Don't you see, Finn? If I hadn't been so selfish, if I hadn't let it go this far, he would be here right now, he would be alive." I held her close as I cried with her,

"I killed him. It's all my fault."

"Kurt's bulimia killed him.. not you."

"I just want to die, I want to disappear. I want Kurt." She shook in my arms and I held her tighter, I never want to let her go. I cried with her as I held her close, not knowing how to help her.

The next morning I wake up with her in my arms, I look down at her and sigh. She looks so sick even when she's fast asleep, I shake my head and then slowly unwrap myself from her, getting up and going down to look for her dads. They both nod at me, trying to smile as I sit across from them, biting my lip.

"We need to get her into a hospital." They both nod in agreement,

"Not yet though.. we have to wait for a little while. Give her time. She hated it in there, we don't want to do that again." I nod, she did hate it in there but it helped her before Kurt died. That was the major set back this time, and I just had to help her overcome this. I shook my head,

"What do we do?" I nodded towards the food so they knew what I meant,

"I don't know anymore.. try and make her eat again." I nod and sigh when I see Rachel coming into the kitchen,

"I'm not hungry." She whispers, and I shake my head and start to move towards her but she takes a step back, shaking her head at me, "I won't fall for it this time." I look down as she speaks, feeling ashamed yet desperate. She takes the distraction quickly, running past the three of us and out of the door before we can even stop her. I look at her dads as they stand there, pale and wide eyed.

"Don't worry, I'll bring her home." They both nod and turn around, hiding the tears falling down their face and I take a deep breath, knowing she can't get too far, she's too weak to even walk. So, I start running, not sure where she would go.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "Because each exhaled breath, feels like a silent scream." ~**

_Rachel_

I ran as fast as I could away from them, away from their guilt and away from their food. I ran as fast as my legs could go and I couldn't stop. I thought about Kurt and how I was alive and he wasn't. How it didn't seem fair that I was still here when he wasn't. I thought about how I never wanted to recover, how I wanted to die and I didn't care how I died. I just need the pain to end, I want to be with Kurt so I can tell him how sorry I am. I just want to be normal again.

It wasn't long before I heard Finn call my name. I ran the opposite direction from him, knowing which way he was going to take. I carried on running, making myself carry on no matter how much pain I was feeling.

I felt dizzy but I continued anyway. I couldn't stop now, I had come too far. I didn't know where I was going anymore, but I had to end up somewhere. I looked ahead of me and tears clouded my view. I tried to shake my head to make them go away but they kept coming back. I pictured Kurt running beside me, I smiled at him and carried on. Finally, my legs gave up on me and I collapsed to the ground. My chest began to tighten and I found it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes, hoping it was the end.

I felt a pair of arms lift me up but I didn't open my eyes. I heard a car door close and felt us driving off but I didn't open my eyes. I didn't know who it was, I was too scared to discover who it was. I sighed and let a tear fall, I hated this world. I didn't want to be saved, I wanted to die. Just when I wanted to give up, just when I thought I was gone.. someone else comes along. And the truth is, I don't think I can live like this anymore.

~ .. ~

Rachel woke up and looked around her, shaking her head and closing her eyes, trying to wake herself up. She sighed, while opening them again. She jumped from the bed, looking around as she bit her lip. Jumping when she heard a knock on the door, staring at the person who opened it.

She remembered now, she was the one who lifted her here. She was only half with it, she couldn't think about anything, she didn't struggle. She had been too weak, too tired. She just let the older women pick her up and put her in the car, and then take her here. It could have been anyone, she could have been murdered or something but she didn't fight them.

"I should go.." She shook her head at Rachel, setting down a glass of water she had brought up for the girl,

"I've called your dads."

"When are they picking me up?"

"They're not.." She looked down at the floor, but Rachel just shook her head, not able to believe them – did her parents hate her?

"W-why not?"

"You're going to be staying here for a week or so, I told them to give me a chance.. I want to try and help you." The woman sighed and moved some hair from Rachel's eyes, frowning. She held out her arms, hesitant but needing the girl to know she was here. She felt tears fall and wrapped her arms around her mother, the one person she needed so much. They both stood there for a while, neither of them letting go of the other as they rubbed each others back, both of them crying.

"I'm going to take care of you, I will try and help you.. I'm going to try so hard." Rachel nodded and sighed, knowing if she didn't want to get better, then she wouldn't, no matter who wanted to help. After a while of standing there, both of them crying in each others arms, Shelby tucked her daughter into bed.

Rachel closed her eyes, trying to think of someone other than Kurt. She thought about Finn and how happy he used to be, the look on his face when she walked out of the bathroom after being sick. The way his body tensed, and the way he cried when she told him she wanted to die. She felt as though it was her fault, he cried because of her, if he was angry, it was her fault, and if he ran from this... it would be to get away from her and the problems she caused.

She didn't want to hurt anyone other than herself. She wanted to feel pain, she wanted to punish herself for what she did to Kurt. She needed to take the blame, she needed people to hate her and she wanted to cry because most of the time, it hurts a lot less to cry than it does to smile. She snuggles into the bed, closing her eyes tightly as she tried to focus on sleep.

The next day she wakes up to the sound of the door knocking, and she watches her mother – not her mom – walk in with a tray of food. She knew this was coming. She knew the feeling of hunger would have to leave soon and she thinks about how she should have gone while she had the chance. Shelby smiled at her daughter – not her baby girl – and set the tray down on the bed.

Rachel stared at the food; a glass of orange juice, a mixture of fruit and a piece of plain toast. "I was looking up low fat ideas for you last night, I thought maybe you could begin with this and we could increase the calories as time goes on." Rachel bit her lip, thinking about it. It was better than the fat diet her dads put her on, forcing her to eat toast with dripping butter all over it. It was better than the strict calorie diet they put you on in hospital.

It was _worse _than her own diet.

She sighed and picked up the cup, taking a sip before setting it back down. She laid back and heard the sigh from the older woman's mouth. "It's not that I don't want to eat, I just can't." She whispers, and Shelby nods and takes her hand.

"You can only try your best, Rachel.. but I need you to eat half this bowl, okay?" She nodded and sat up, she ate slowly, focusing on every single chew, every single bite, calculating in her head. She thought about spitting it back out but the proud look on Shelby's face stopped her for some reason. She finished exactly half and shrugged, laying back down when she nodded and picked the tray up before standing.

"Do you want me to leave the orange juice?" Rachel shook her head and thought about all the calories in that one cup and she watched the woman nod before closing the door. She gets out of bed and runs to the bathroom, looking around for scales. She could feel hot tears falling down her face, forcing her hand into a tight fist when she couldn't find any. She quickly ran to the mirror and pulled up her top, she looked fatter already.

Rachel couldn't be with Kurt if she carried on eating.

Rachel couldn't be with Finn if she stopped eating.

There was no winning, there was only losing.

~ .. ~

Her days are spent in bed, and she keeps losing weight. Every single time she is weighed by her mom, she sees the look of sadness and disappointment on the woman's face. She sighs, looking away, nothing is going right. She tries to eat, she tries to please her and everyone else but it's impossible. It's too hard, sometimes she wakes up and thinks about her weight every second of the day, others she woke up and thought about Kurt. Whatever she thought about, it was all the same, it's all about dying and being weightless, she thinks about nothing else. No one else.

It's gotten to the point where she never leaves her bed, she can't even move. She can't cry. Everything is too much energy, every day she dies a little more. Every day a new wrinkle appears on her mother's face, every day one more sparkle leaves her eyes. And Rachel knows it's her fault, she was making it all worse. She thinks about how much better it would be if she died, it would be so much better for all those who come into contact with her, for those who cared about her.

"It's a small bit of soup, please." She can hear the desperation in the woman's voice and she nods slowly, letting the woman put the spoon in her mouth and she turns away to cry softly before swallowing it. "A few more spoons." Rachel just shakes her head, shaking badly as she begs the woman not to feed her anything else.

"Please.." She whispers gently, and Rachel cries harder this time, hating this. It had been two whole weeks since she arrived, she was getting close to this woman when she had never wanted to. She didn't want someone else to miss her when she was gone, not wanting to make someone else cry. She pulled away and turned away from Shelby, not wanting to hurt her. She sighed, and Rachel hears the door bell ring.

She hears Shelby take the long trip downstairs – something Rachel had yet to make – and open the door. She sighs when she hears her dads voice and she makes the effort to leave the bed, not wanting him to think she was being lazy or weak. She slowly leaves the room that she hasn't ever left before, and she stares down the steep steps before making her way down there.

She looks down at the two people who seem to care about her so much, wondering where her daddy is as the two people argue at the bottom of the stairs, not seeing her come down. "She should be in a hospital."

"She's doing alright."

"No she's not.. you told me on the phone that she can barely move.. she's lost too much weight. I'm taking MY daughter now." She watched as Shelby put a hand on his arm to stop him from coming upstairs but he's seen her standing there, tears running down his face.

"How could you let this happen? I thought you wanted to help her!" She could see the anger in his face and she looks to Shelby for some help but instead, the woman looks at the floor and whispers something Rachel can't make out.

"She's trying, dad.. I'm not trying." Rachel realizes how weird it feels to speak now, her voice not sounding the way it used to.

"You're too thin..." He muttered, taking a step towards her but Rachel took a large step back.

"She won't let anyone touch her." Rachel looked over at Shelby but she turned away from her daughter, "I am trying my best."

"Well, maybe your best isn't good enough. You think you can help, Shelby.. I know that but she needs professional help." Rachel shook her head at the same time as her mother, and the woman grabbed her arm and the tiny girl hid behind the stubborn but broken woman.

"You're not taking her, not yet.. give me another week."

"No, there is no more time. She could be dead.." He came towards his only daughter, but she moves away once more, not wanting to leave.

"Don't make me go.. p-please." Tears stream down her face as she speaks but he shakes his head, just as stubborn as she is,

"I will be back with an ambulance." Rachel starts to shake as she watches him leave the house and Shelby wraps her arms tight around the girl. They both cry together, holding onto the other as though they were a life line. "I don't want to go back.."

"You need to try harder then, Rachel." She nods and sighs; knowing that sometimes, the words are easier said than they ever are to do.

~ .. ~

_Leroy_

I walked out of that house and shook my head, tears of anger falling down my face. I wiped them away before anyone could see them and I carry on walking. My baby girl, my only child, was dying and there was nothing I can do about it. I know putting her into a hospital is not going to help much but at least they can force her to put on weight. Shelby can't, I cant, my husband can't, Finn can't.. no one can.

I love her so much, I never thought this could happen to my baby girl, my beautiful star. She was so strong, brave, she never let anything effect her before. I don't know what happened to that loving, beautiful, strong girl, I don't know where she went and I don't know how to get her back.

I sigh as I continue walking, I need to get her out of there. I know Shelby wants to help but Rachel just.. she doesn't want help, from anyone, nobody can help her. If she doesn't want to eat, she won't. There's still my stubborn darling in there, I just have to find the rest of my daughter.

I finally get to the house, and I put my head down as I walk in. Hiram works all the time, not able to handle this whole thing as he buries himself in paperwork. It feels empty now, so lifeless since this whole dark secret revealed itself to us. Rachel was the one thing we loved so much, other than each other and if anyone were to happen to her, neither of us would be able to cope. She's our everything, the reason we both get up and work so hard in the morning, the reason we smile.. well, used to smile.

I walk into her bedroom and smile at the photographs that cover one wall – all of her and Finn, her friends from Glee and New York. There's one of me, my husband and Rachel when she was about ten years old – she's grinning wide, sitting on my lap and some tourist had taken it for us. We were on a beach, somewhere that Rachel always loved to be. There was another of us, but it was of me holding her when she was baby.

I stare at them all, one by one, there was a time when she was happy, a time when she didn't care about weight, a time she could smile with ease and laugh without thinking about it. There was a time..

I shook my head, I couldn't think about it any longer, I couldn't think of her dying and I couldn't think about how happy she used to be because she isn't anymore and I didn't know it early enough. I could have helped her, I was so blind to the needs of my only child that I didn't see her pain. I couldn't understand what she meant by a diet, I never thought she needed to go on one. But I let her anyway, I thought, well she's a teenager, they diet all the time. She will be fine.. but it turned out she's not fine. She's not okay, she is dying and there is nothing I can do to help her.

I just want to be her dad, I need Hiram to be her daddy again. I need to be here but I can't stand to look at her and see her like this. When I saw her today, she's lost at least a stone since I last saw her, she was pale and it terrified me to see her protruding cheekbones. She was just this.. thing in my daughter's body, and I have to get rid of it and if it means sticking her in hospital, then I will because I love her and I don't want her to die. I can't let her die.. it's not natural; the parent should die first. Rachel will not be another statistic, I won't allow it.

I love her. And I will not give up on her yet.

~ .. ~

"That was your dad on the phone," Shelby walked into the sitting room where Rachel was laying on the couch because she hadn't had the energy to walk up the stairs. She shook her head and looked at the woman confused, "He's phoned the hospital, they are sending over an ambulance."

Rachel shakes her head, "No way." She gets up, a sudden burst of energy and started to walk up the stairs. Her whole body shakes but she ignores it, focusing through the pain. She could see the tears in her mother's eyes as she grabs her arm, she could see how weak they both are now.

"Where are you going?" 

"Anywhere.. away from the doctors, away from my dads and away from you."

"Rachel.." She grabbed the girl as she tried to walk off again, turning her around to face her,

"No! Shelby, don't you see.. I want everything as it was before.. I want Kurt here. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to be able to eat but it's all gone. Kurt is dead, I can never be happy and I just.. there is this voice in my head.. all the time, always telling me not to eat. Always telling me to be thin, I have to control myself all the time. I can't handle all this, I want Kurt back but I can never have him back. I want my life back but I can't have that back. I don't deserve happiness, Kurt is gone and it's my fault. I don't deserve to recover, I don't deserve to live."

Shelby looked down, letting go of the girls arm as she shakes her head, watching the girl walk off into the bedroom she had been staying in for the past few weeks. Rachel couldn't stay any longer, she wiped away the tears and walked past the mirror and grabbed a suitcase that her dads had brought over with her clothes in. She wasn't going to be here when they came and got her, she wasn't going back.

"Rachel, please don't leave." She came into the bedroom, trying to put her arms around her but Rachel just pushes her away, like she pushes everyone away. 

"I'm not going back there. I can't do it. I don't deserve to be there, it's for people who need help. It's for people who want it. I don't need or want it. I'm not going there." She shivers and grabs a jacket, putting it on and grabbing the suitcase. "I'm not going to be here when they arrive." She walks out of the bedroom only to be stopped by Shelby once more but she gives her a warning look and the woman lets go.

"Do you want to die, Rachel?"

"Yes, I do.. Kurt didn't have to die, it should have been me."

"Fine.. I'll let you walk out of here because.. I've tried so damn hard with you. I can't help you if you want to slowly kill yourself. I can't do this anymore, so walk out that door and you can be alone forever. You can die alone like you want." Rachel shook her head and ran down the stairs, _I want to die, I know I do. I have nothing to live for, I have nobody to be with. I was the one who should have died that night, I should have spared Kurt, I should have spared his family the grief. It's my fault, so I should want to die. _

She closes her eyes when she reaches the door, dropping the suitcase as she lets the tears fall before sliding down onto the floor. She can hear Shelby run down the stairs and then her arms around her but she still doesn't move. She can smell her perfume as she cuddles the woman.

"I don't want to die." She finally cries, moving so she can wrap her arms around her mother.

"I don't want you to die either, and Kurt doesn't either." She nods and lets her head rest on the woman's shoulder,

"I will try.. I don't want to die, I want to live.. I want to be happy again. I will try, I promise." Rachel whispers as Shelby kisses her forehead and tilts her chin up, "Soup?" Rachel just nods and stands up, walking with the woman to the table, slowly sliding down onto a chair.

She stares at her _mom_ as she cooks and bites her lip, remembering a time she she loved food. When she would eat a lot – she always watched her diet but she was a dancer, she still ate loads. She remembered when she didn't think of calories or fat, just about health. It seemed like a long time ago and she wanted to get back to that again. She wanted to be able to think of other stuff, she didn't want to only be thin and only want to die. She wants to have a life, she wants to be happy. It's a moment of realization as she thinks about Finn, and how they want to get married and have kids, naming her first son Kurt after her best friend who lost his life to such a horrible disease. It hits her hard, and she can't believe it, as though a weight has left her shoulders.

She smiles when Shelby places the soup in front of her, sitting down next to her so she can lift the spoon into a still too weak Rachel's mouth. She closes her eyes tight, _I can do this, I know I can, I have to recover. If not for myself, but for those who love me. _

"Ready?" Rachel nods and smiles at the woman she now trusts more than anyone else, opening her eyes and swallowing the warm soup, "It's not too hard, is it?" Shelby looks uncertain but smiles when Rachel nods,

"No.. it's not. I can do this." She watches her mom get another spoonful and put in her mouth and it's not too long until the bowl is finished. And for the first time, Rachel feels a swell of pride when she notices the bottom of the bowl, it's the first time she's been proud in such a long time. And she can see the pride in Shelby's eyes, too.

"Thank you so much." She whispers to her mom, squeezing her hands tightly. It's a few moments of silence before Rachel opens her eyes and looks at her mom, "I know Kurt is happy now, I know he is looking down on me and thinking about how brave I am.. I know he wants me to be safe."

They both jump when the door slams open, and Rachel looks up to see her dad and Finn coming into the house. Shelby looks up at them, too and pulls away to walk towards them. Rachel just stares at the empty bowl in front of her, hoping one of them would notice what she had done and then change their minds so she could stay with her mom.

"We are going to take Rachel now." She hears her dad say, and she shakes her head, not bothering to wipe away the tears that fall down her face. She looks up to see Finn, who is just staring right at her, and she looks down at the bowl in the hope he would follow her eyes.

"Please Leroy.. I got her to eat.. please, she can do this." Shelby was pleading, it was not a voice usually heard on the coach, but here she was, begging for him to let this continue, to let her help Rachel.

Rachel feels someone by her side as she closes her eyes tight and she looks up to see Finn standing by her side, "I don't want to go back there." She whispers to him, smiling as he nods before she stands up and wraps her arms tight around him as he did the same to her. "I don't want to die, Finn.. I will try so hard.. please believe me."

"I do believe you.. I love you." She pulls away to look him in the eyes, feeling herself blush as she stares into those trusting eyes. "I love you too." She whispers before looking over at her dad and her mom, both of them arguing loudly,

"Please make them stop." Finn nods and lets go of her, walking over to Rachel's dad, putting a hand on the man's shoulder,

"Maybe we should give them one more chance. One last chance."

"Look at her, Finn.. she's wasting away." He pointed towards Rachel who walks over to them slowly,

"Dad.. I don't think I need to go back there." He grabs her arm gently, tears in his eyes,

"You do.. look at you. You will die."

"No, dad.. this is my problem, my responsibility.. and I am the only one who can deal with this. I don't need Doctors, I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. This is all on me now, I realize it finally. I don't need a hospital to get better, I just need to believe in myself."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, that you or anyone else cannot save me. I am the only person who can save me." She smiles when he hugs her, "I just want you to be okay again, baby girl. I want our bright star back."

"I will be back soon, I can promise you that." Finn grins at her and winks, and she laughs gently, shaking her head. "It will all be okay." She assures them both, moving over to Shelby and cuddling into the woman – glad she has finally found the mom she always wanted.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

** "I can finally see the sun." ~**

_Rachel_

I looked up at the large building in front of me and smiled, I had been recovering for two months now. It was going well – my therapy sessions had gone from once every two days, to once a week. I had gained weight, exactly 108lbs now. Only a bit more to go before I could be classified as normal, and I would be discharged altogether from the hospital.

I grinned to myself, I never thought this would happen, I thought I was going to die. I was convinced I wouldn't live to see my eighteenth birthday but I am going to. I can see the bright side of my life, I can see how life isn't about being thin, it's about being happy and living it to the full.

I wave at doctor Winters as she waits for me at the door, and I walk towards her. She wraps her arms around me and smiled, "How are you today?"

"Great thanks, you?" She smiles and nods, telling me she is good as well. I follow her to the usual room, smiling at the bright room. I look around once more and think about my first time in her, how weird it felt, how much I wanted to die, how thin I wanted to be. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing someone I wasn't. I didn't see a starving child, I saw a fat woman. Now, I see the truth.

"Shall we start with the board?" I look up at her and nod, walking over to the board and think about how I feel. I smile to myself as I write,

"_Rachel Berry – happy, star potential, beautiful, loved."_

I shrug and turn around, handing the pen back to her. She smiled and nods, "That's good." I nod and walk over to the mirror, biting my lip. I stare at it for a while and think about what I would usually see. Wondering if I actually missed my anorexia; I had bad days of course, but they were becoming less and less often.

"Have you ever thought about dying?" I look up at the doctor as I ask my question and she just shrugs, "When did you try it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I saw the look on her face though when I asked, I know that look better than anyone else.

"I have to tell you stuff, it should work the other way around." I shake my head at her and then look back at the mirror, "When?"

"Six months ago.." I nod at her and start walking around the room,

"Why?"

"Things got too hard for me, I was trying too hard to fit in with everyone, I was finding it difficult to be the doctor I wanted to be." I nodded at her,

"So.. you understand when I say about wanting to die?"

"More than most." I shrug,

"I don't know what happened the other night, but I couldn't eat my dinner. It was a terrible day, I went to bed considering killing myself. I was scared of my own feelings to be honest, I knew that I could do it if I wanted to. I knew I could, and that scared me."

"Well, it's understandable that sometimes you should feel like that and that you should be scared, you know what you are capable of, Rachel. You know you can recover and you can control this, you will have off days but you must keep fighting."

"Did you get caught?" I catch her off guard as she nodded and then turned away from me,

"I tried to hang myself, I was found my some friends. My life was saved, it wasn't my time.. just like it's not yours."

"Was it Kurt's time then?" She nodded at me and sighed, "I wish it wasn't."

"It's hard when you lose a best friend, Rachel.. but he isn't in pain anymore, he's happier now. And he would want you to be happy too."

"I guess, but sometimes it feels wrong to be happy because he was my best friend and we were so close and he's not here. It feels wrong to laugh, it feels wrong to smile.. I don't know."

"It'll be okay, you need to accept his death. You need to let go of him, you have to stop blaming yourself."

I walk out of there after a while, smiling and waving at Finn; he laughs at me and steps out of his car. "My lady." He says, opening the passenger door for me.

"Why thank you, kind sir." I giggle when he winks, and he jumps over to the drivers seat, "Show off." I roll my eyes, laughing at him.

"Glee club?" I nod at him, kissing his cheek, watching as he drives.

We soon arrive there and I spot the Glee club waving at me, I grin and wrap my arms tight around all of them one by one. "Wanna grab something to eat before Glee starts?" Puck bit his lip, nervously asking her before watching her walk off towards the cafeteria, rolling her eyes.

"Is that a yes?" He shouts after her, sighing in relief as they all follow the girl, with a dopey looking Finn as he watches his girlfriend with a look of pure and utter love. "Yes, but you're buying."

"Alright, Berry.. anything for you." He laughs, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and walking into the cafeteria with her. They all sit around the the table with their food, "How are you?" Quinn finally asks,

"I don't know.. good, I guess. It's hard.. sometimes I wake up and think about how good I felt when I was hungry, I think about running to the scales and crying over the numbers but other times I think about how good it feels to not worry and how much happier I feel."

"Are there many bad days?" I shrug and look down at the table, biting down on my lip,

"Not anymore, no.. I think as the weeks go on, they get less and less. It keeps getting easier, and easier and maybe soon it will be every few months." I laugh a little and grin when Finn comes to sit next to me, with a pasta salad for me and him.

I slowly eat it, and avoid the looks of the entire Glee club on me; Finn knows how I feel so he pretends not the be shocked that I am actually eating something with so many calories. I smile at him and grab his hand under the table, he winks at me and laughs. I look up at the doorway, and see the person I was hoping to see. I look at Finn and sigh, "I'm going to see someone."

"Who?"

"Just a friend, I saw them at the doorway. I need to go say hello." I smiled at him and then ran off in the direction of the choir room, following my instincts and soon I found him. I walk slowly to the seat he is sitting on and smile at him, and he motions for me to sit next to him and I do.

"I miss you." I whisper,

"I miss you too, Rachel. But we are both better off this way, it will be okay." I look up at him, he looks so happy and so.. peaceful.

"Are you happy?" He nods and grins at me,

"I'm finally at peace, you just need to let me go.. like your doctor said before; stop blaming yourself." I nod and then look down at my hands,

"I'm glad you're happy."

"I love you, Rachel."

"I love you too, Kurt."

"You and Blaine need to look after each other, be safe." I nod at him and then turn away for a second, and when I look back.. he is gone. I sigh and start to walk away, letting one lone tear fall for my best friend. He was happier this way, I was going to recover for myself and for him... his death will not be in vain this way.

"_**I will miss you, but I will let you go." **_


End file.
